A field of daffodilsDear Barry,

It’s your birthday. You would have turned 23 today. I can’t help but wonder what you would have been, where you would have lived, and who you would have been with…if you were still with us. I can only imagine the job you would have been doing and the children you may have had in the future.

There was a time when I wanted to be with you so badly, more than anyone could have known. I could never have taken my own life, but if something else had happened to end it…I would have been keen to join you. But that was then. It’s not how I feel now. Today, I want to live my life and see where it takes me. For good or for bad.

There are times I understand what you did and then there are times when I need an explanation. Still. I may never fully understand your decision, but I accept it and I respect it. But as the months turn into years, all I really want is to hug you. I want to put my arms around you and tell you that my love will never die. If a single petal represented a life time of love, then a whole field of petals would symbolise the true love I feel for you. This is how it was when you were alive and this is how it will remain always.

I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if you have regrets. I don’t know if you are happy. I don’t know if you are watching over us. All I know for sure is that you are no longer here. I wish you were. I wish we could celebrate your birthday together, with the rest of your family. I wish you could then go and celebrate your birthday with your friends. I wish so many things but I will have to be content with sending my birthday greeting in writing and hoping you can hear my words and feel my love for you.

“Happy birthday, Barry. May you have a glorious day and know you are missed everyday.”

Love always,