It’s strange, after three and a half years one would expect to be coping with the grief of losing a loved one. In many ways I believe I am learning to live with my loss. And I admit that I have more good days than bad these days. However, emotionally I am not as strong as I once was. I find I can no longer deal with pressure. I can no longer make difficult decisions – or any decision – “on the spot”. I am easily flustered and quick to intolerance. In fact, I still feel emotionally drained.
The people moving through life around me, such as work colleagues and friends, and even family to a certain extent, don’t realise that what they see is not a well formed person. They don’t realise how thin the exterior is, how delicate I really am. How dangerously close to breaking I continue to be.
For me, I can feel the difference. I can see it when I look in a mirror. I am consciously aware of the fine line that separates me from a blubbering idiot I could easily become. I have learned the art of pretence well, but I am finding it harder and harder to maintain. Especially when life seems more difficult than usual and life has a habit of throwing those moments at me over and over again. I can feel the balance is not secure and I find myself wondering if, or when, I’ll break!
The thought of going to sleep and never waking up is refreshing to me. Yet I can guarantee you that I am not suicidal. I would never take my own life for I know what it does to those left behind. Suicide is not on my mind. Peace is. I just want peace and quiet. I crave it like some people crave fame and fortune. I want to stick my head in a hole and not know about the problems of those around me, or about my own problems. I just want peace.
This website is aptly named, for I can feel the walls crumbling away around me. Am I to live with this feeling for the rest of my life?
Yesterday, I realised that I need more counselling. I doubt I’ll get that help as time restrictions are at a minimum for me now, but I acknowledge I do need help. Is that a beginning? Is it enough?
There was once a time when I could shoulder responsibility and I would tackle anything worthwhile. People always commented on how strong I was; not physically, emotionally. Some people even said that I must be a cold fish for the lack of emotion I sometimes showed. But that was then. It’s not the case now. Now, I have nothing left to give. Now, I feel as if giving anything more will make me fall apart. For I am not strong any longer. I don’t know how to cope with the pressures of everyday life.
At this moment, I feel total confusion and complete weariness. Will that be my future? I hope not, as I don’t want it. Not today, not tomorrow, not any day. I just want peace.