Three Years Later

It’s strange, after three and a half years one would expect to be coping with the grief of losing a loved one. In many ways I believe I am learning to live with my loss. And I admit that I have more good days than bad these days. However, emotionally I am not as strong as I once was. I find I can no longer deal with pressure. I can no longer make difficult decisions – or any decision – “on the spot”. I am easily flustered and quick to intolerance. In fact, I still feel emotionally drained.

The people moving through life around me, such as work colleagues and friends, and even family to a certain extent, don’t realise that what they see is not a well formed person. They don’t realise how thin the exterior is, how delicate I really am. How dangerously close to breaking I continue to be.

For me, I can feel the difference. I can see it when I look in a mirror. I am consciously aware of the fine line that separates me from a blubbering idiot I could easily become. I have learned the art of pretence well, but I am finding it harder and harder to maintain. Especially when life seems more difficult than usual and life has a habit of throwing those moments at me over and over again. I can feel the balance is not secure and I find myself wondering if, or when, I’ll break!

The thought of going to sleep and never waking up is refreshing to me. Yet I can guarantee you that I am not suicidal. I would never take my own life for I know what it does to those left behind. Suicide is not on my mind. Peace is. I just want peace and quiet. I crave it like some people crave fame and fortune. I want to stick my head in a hole and not know about the problems of those around me, or about my own problems. I just want peace.

This website is aptly named, for I can feel the walls crumbling away around me. Am I to live with this feeling for the rest of my life?

Yesterday, I realised that I need more counselling. I doubt I’ll get that help as time restrictions are at a minimum for me now, but I acknowledge I do need help. Is that a beginning? Is it enough?

There was once a time when I could shoulder responsibility and I would tackle anything worthwhile. People always commented on how strong I was; not physically, emotionally. Some people even said that I must be a cold fish for the lack of emotion I sometimes showed. But that was then. It’s not the case now. Now, I have nothing left to give. Now, I feel as if giving anything more will make me fall apart. For I am not strong any longer. I don’t know how to cope with the pressures of everyday life.

At this moment, I feel total confusion and complete weariness. Will that be my future? I hope not, as I don’t want it. Not today, not tomorrow, not any day. I just want peace.

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3 thoughts on “Three Years Later

  1. Something happened yesterday and I’m at the same situation I was like a year ago. Helpless, hopeless, paranoid and this constant pain, thinking of if my life just going to be this way forever. Problems after problems, no end in sight and I’m never going to have a normal life.

    Just to get some emotional help I googled and ended up on your blog. I have to say whatever you put down matches my condition exactly.
    It’s sad to say, but its kinda nice to know what you are going through somebody else is also at the same point in their life.

    I’m not doing any counselling, but really hope it works out for you. Goodluck

    If you ever just want to talk, email me iceberg020@yahoo.com

  2. Thank you. You are right, it does help to know you’re not alone in the way you might be feeling or thinking. I’ve found a lot of comfort in that over the years.

    I hope you find peace of mind soon.

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