One day life is rolling along quite smoothly, even with the bumps in the road, and the next day can find a person swallowed up.

Each day this week gets worse and worse. I feel my life is totally out of my control and it makes me feel worthless. I’m trying to struggle on with the “normal” things, but in all honesty, I see these things as a waste of time. In other words, I’m very quickly giving up the reins.

When I got married and had children no one told me it would be this difficult. No one warned me how desperate things can become. I didn’t think suicide would touch my family. I had no idea I’d have to spend months and years worrying endlessly over my child’s life.

I have no control. I don’t know what to do. I feel like running away and never coming back. But that’s the coward’s opinion, isn’t it? One thing I have discovered is that no matter how much you know about suicide and “the signs” it doesn’t mean you can do anything to stop it. I don’t care what anyone says about that. Some things you can’t change, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you want to!

An ostrich stuffs its head in the dirt so it doesn’t know what’s going on around it. I want to do that. How I wish people would go away and leave me alone. Right now, I just don’t care about anything.

I guess I’m going through a bout of depression. I know my son is. I know Gary is. We can all sit in the black hole together and wallow. I’ve had enough and I just want it to stop.