When the Walls Cave In

One day life is rolling along quite smoothly, even with the bumps in the road, and the next day can find a person swallowed up.

Each day this week gets worse and worse. I feel my life is totally out of my control and it makes me feel worthless. I’m trying to struggle on with the “normal” things, but in all honesty, I see these things as a waste of time. In other words, I’m very quickly giving up the reins.

When I got married and had children no one told me it would be this difficult. No one warned me how desperate things can become. I didn’t think suicide would touch my family. I had no idea I’d have to spend months and years worrying endlessly over my child’s life.

I have no control. I don’t know what to do. I feel like running away and never coming back. But that’s the coward’s opinion, isn’t it? One thing I have discovered is that no matter how much you know about suicide and “the signs” it doesn’t mean you can do anything to stop it. I don’t care what anyone says about that. Some things you can’t change, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you want to!

An ostrich stuffs its head in the dirt so it doesn’t know what’s going on around it. I want to do that. How I wish people would go away and leave me alone. Right now, I just don’t care about anything.

I guess I’m going through a bout of depression. I know my son is. I know Gary is. We can all sit in the black hole together and wallow. I’ve had enough and I just want it to stop.

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6 thoughts on “When the Walls Cave In

  1. Karen, I’ve just been catching up here and I can see why you’re feeling so terrible. This is truly an awful time and the worry must be unbearable. I hope things will work out for Daniel and his girl–I don’t understand why people are so interfering when there’s no obvious reason. There are times when parents should intervene and there are times (most of the time!) when they should just stay out. We can’t live our children’s lives for them.

    It sounds like maybe you need someone to talk to–what about the counselor you’ve seen before or someone in a support group? I hate to see you feeling this way. I have no doubt the approaching holiday season is contributing to the overall gloom but you also have concrete worries. And if all of you are in the same state, you may have to look outside your family for some help.

    Once more regretting that I’m too far away to really help, but keeping you in my thoughts…

  2. Too much is happening too fast, Sherry. I really want to turn my back on all of it. I won’t do that and maybe things will pick up in a day or two. I hope so.

    I need time out, but can’t see that happening this side of Christmas! When you feel like I do, that a long time.

    Sometimes I feel like a burden to my “real life” friends and that stops me from approaching them.

    Thank you for stopping by.

  3. I feel the same need, to retreat somewhere and heal, and stay as long as I need to. It has been three and a half years since my daughter died by suicide, and I feel ragged.
    ~Lisa

  4. The people around us have no idea what’s really happening in our lives, Lisa. I think that adds to the pressure. It does for me anyway.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this too.

  5. Thank you for your understanding words. I feel so disconnected from most of the people I used to know. Much of the time I can’t even find words to say how I feel, and I’m not convinced that anyone is listening.

    I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat.

  6. I too feel like curling up in a dark room and shutting everyone and everything else out. The fast approaching Xmas season is just one more thing I don’t want to face. I’m sick and tired of pretending it means something to me anymore when it doesn’t.

    I’m also sorry your family has the added pressure and stress going around you in concerns to Daniel and his girlfriend. No wonder you’re feeling at your wits end. I hope it all sorts itself out for the better quickly.

    Best Wishes,
    Zathyn Priest

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