Gary and I are going away this weekend. We will stay one night in a hotel on the coast. If the weather is nice, it should be a great weekend.
But since the arrangements have been decided…I haven’t been able to sleep. Why? Because Daniel isn’t coming with us.
My mind is running at top speed. I suppose you can imagine what I’m thinking, what I fear. I feel increasingly nervous and I honestly don’t know if I’ll enjoy the weekend away. And if my mobile rings…
Last night I insisted that Daniel’s girlfriend stay over with him while we’re away. Now that’s a turn for the books, parents are usually not keen to encourage this situation, but it will make me feel better if he’s not here alone. In fact, if he had told me that she couldn’t stay I would have refused to go. I’m not joking.
Daniel asked why it was so important that she stay and said he’d be fine on his own if she couldn’t. I just said that I didn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone. He knew what I meant. I could tell that he thought I was over reacting, but he didn’t say anything. We haven’t been away since we lost Barry and I can’t help associating going away with the death of a child. In my mind, I had decided never to go away again until Daniel left home.
For heavens sake, Daniel’s almost 23 years old and I shouldn’t have to worry about him like I do, but my fear has returned and it’s very strong. I feel so torn. Should I go? Should I stay? What if I go and something happens? Will I be able to forgive myself? But what if we all have a good time and on Monday everything returns to the normal routine? Maybe if all goes well, I’ll be freed from this fear for any future holidays we might take…but is it worth the risk?
I can’t sleep. I feel physically sick. I know I’ll have to resist the temptation to phone him every half hour to make sure he’s alright. Gary tells me that Daniel and his girlfriend will have a great weekend without us hanging around and that we should try to have a great weekend away. I know this is true, but what if…?