Following my Session with a Medium I feel I’ve changed slightly. I have more hope and, although I have constantly fumbled around with thoughts of seeing Barry again, now I believe I will hear from him again…one day.
On Thursday night, I had a dream. It was short, but it was important – of that I’m sure.
I was with a group of strangers and we had been taken to an unknown destination. By who, I don’t know. The sun shone above and gum trees moved in a slight breeze at the edge of a clearing. Considering I’m not one for groups, as I often feel intimidated and shy, I felt calm and comfortable, which was surprising. I think I even conversed with the other people for a while.
I stood facing the group when I felt a presence behind me. I turned and saw Barry walking across the grass towards me, a look of bewilderment on his face. My heart went out to him. I’ve seen that look so many times in his lifetime and I knew instantly that he was confused and worried.
I must point out that at this point in the dream I knew I was dreaming. I also knew that Barry was dead and that I had an opportunity to do something I have been praying for. I moved away from the group and they seemed to fade away, leaving me alone with Barry.
Barry wore the clothes he died in and he carried a backpack. His eyes were large and no smile creased his face. He knew me, but he didn’t know how he came to be standing in front of me. He didn’t know where he was or what he was meant to do or say. Writing this now, I feel like crying, but in the dream I felt composed.
I walked up to him. “May I hug you, Barry?”
I put my arms around him and pulled him to me. I hugged him tight and remember thinking that I never wanted to let him go, because I may not have the opportunity to hug him again. For those brief moments, I felt complete – my little boy safe in my arms. But I had to let him go and we stood staring at each other. There are so many things I want to say, but given the opportunity words failed me…yet I felt fine with that too. It didn’t seem important.
Barry’s bewilderment was important to me however. I didn’t want him feeling awkward or unsure and, one hand on his shoulder, I leaned forward and looked him in the eyes. “Are you OK?”
He gave me that look again, one of uncertainty. “I don’t know,” he said.
I wish I could report that I said words of wisdom to him at that moment, but I didn’t. I squeezed his shoulder and the dream faded out.
Why do I feel the dream was important? Reading over what I’ve written today makes the dream sound depressing, but that’s not how I felt whilst having it. True, I didn’t say the words I should have said (I love you; I miss you; I forgive you), but the dream wasn’t about me, it was about Barry. In the dream I felt comfortable and the words were not important. I didn’t have to say them; because I knew he didn’t need to hear them…he already knew how I felt and what I was thinking.
To me, the dream was conveying Barry’s feelings to me – he’s still confused. I wanted to take that confusion away from him, but I knew in the dream and I know now that he must work through the confusion himself. There are no short cuts.
Why is it important for me to know how Barry is feeling? Firstly, he’s my son and his feelings and welfare have always been important to me. Secondly, I’m a grieving mother who needs to understand where her son is and how he’s coping. Lastly, as a mother I realise I cannot protect my children and take their pain away in every situation. Sometimes, as parents, we have no choice but to watch our children take their life into their own hands and make their own decisions…and live with those decisions.
I believe Barry is still working through his problems. I also believe that he knows how I feel and that I’ll always be here for him…waiting for him to contact me. That makes me sound like a crazy person, but it’s the only way I can cope with my grief.
Then, today, I stumbled onto The Diary of the Teenage Dead. As I read the three short parts to this article something happened. It’s almost as if I was sent to find the article so that it could confirm what the dream was telling me. If I give it time, we will all be alright – Barry, Daniel, Gary, all Barry’s family and friends, and me.