Tonight, Gary and I are going to do something we’ve never done before. We are going to see a medium. This will not be a one-on-one reading (I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that), it’s a group session. I don’t know how many people will be there, but I think it will be a couple of hundred…at least. The medium conducts sessions in the same fashion as John Edwards, the American psychic medium.

Although we are going at my suggestion, I don’t know what I think about this outing. I feel embarrassed even writing this post about it, but I am determined to keep this blog real and this means including everything – not just the things that make me feel comfortable.

Grief is an all consuming thing. I find myself wanting to “hear” from Barry. I want signs that will tell me he’s OK. I need to know that he’s not troubled about anything, including his actions on 18 May 2006. I read over these words and my brain is telling me that I’m being silly. Barry is gone and that’s the end of it. However, my heart refuses to let go. My heart is telling me that if it is at all possible, Barry will get a message through to me. Yet…at the same time, I must remember Gary’s dream and the message given then was that Barry was not ready to face me.

In all honesty, I want a message so badly it hurts. I will carry Barry’s wallet in my bag with the hope that it will help it happen. But…I’m a cynic, or I used to be. It’s amazing how quickly we can change our minds when those old opinions no longer make us feel good and no longer bring us comfort. I no longer know what I think and that troubles me in a way too.

We are going to see this medium, because I found out about him by accident and he’s appearing at a venue which is no more than a four minute walk from home. Also, and I know this is grasping at straws, today is the anniversary of the last time I actually saw Barry…at the viewing. In a way, it feels like it’s meant to be…but I must not have expectations before we get there, or while we’re there, because I don’t want to be disappointed if nothing happens.

I’ll tell you what does, or doesn’t, happen tomorrow.