A Message Sent to Heaven

My Dearest Barry

yellow roseIt seems like yesterday since you went away, but it’s been a year. In this time I have gone through many emotions and I’ve changed as a person. However, my love for you hasn’t faltered and never will.

To the world, I am coping quite well. I am able to smile and laugh. I can converse and do “normal” things. But, Barry, inwardly I am still struggling to understand why. I know the reason, you made that plain in your letter, but why and how did it get to the point of suicide? I guess I’ll never really know the answer and I’m trying to accept that fact.

The world doesn’t see me when I’m alone. Maybe you do…or maybe not. I don’t know what to believe anymore. The tears still fall onto my pillow frequently. Every night I whisper your name and say goodnight. Every day, wherever I go, I carry a photo of you. The ache in my heart has not healed. I said long ago that I would let you go because that is what you wanted, but it’s not easy for me to do. And, although you were an adult, you will always be my little boy. A mother’s love cannot be switched off and I cannot stop fretting over you. Not until I know you are alright. Not until I know you are safe and peaceful and no longer hurting – but I doubt that knowledge will ever come.

I still search for you in the street. Unlike the first six months, when I felt certain that a mistake had been made and I would find you alive somewhere, I no longer expect to see your face. However, part of me still prays for a miracle. Miracles happen for other people, occasionally, so why not for me.

I’m not a perfect person, Barry, and I never meant to hurt you, but I know I did. For that I am truly sorry. If you had lived and had children of your own I know that one day you would have understood. Being a parent is not easy and the decisions we make, unfortunately, affect more than just ourselves. I will carry guilt for the rest of my life for that, but I hope you can forgive me for the pain I caused you.

I will forever protect your decision and I will always watch for you. If, wherever you are, it is possible, please visit me because there are four things I must tell you – I’m sorry; I love you; I forgive you; and, I miss you with all my heart.

I pray that you have found peace. Until we meet again you will stay in my heart and memories.

my deepest love,
Mum
xx

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4 thoughts on “A Message Sent to Heaven

  1. Hi,

    I just stumbled on your site a few minutes ago and I am really enjoying it. My father took his life three years ago this June. It’s tough, but I find blogging about it is very helpful and I’m glad to see that others in similar situations such as yourself are doing the same.

    Thanks again.

    Take Care.

    Jesse

  2. I am so sorry for your pain I too know this ache,
    Barry is always only a whisper away ,My 16 year old son died also Leo was still on his feet when I found him, two day before he died he asked mom ever heard of space monkey(choking game)I did not know what he was saying here where we live the kids think this is a game .I will keep Barry in my heart and prayers

  3. Thank you, Helen. We tried to be gentle on ourselves, and we made it through the weekend, so we did fine.

    Jesse, I’m sorry to hear about your father, but you’re right, blogging about it is a great way to get things off your chest…and make other people aware of suicide and the effect it has on the survivors.

    Rose, I’m so sorry about Leo. That must have been a terrible shock. I have only heard of space monkey in the last six or so months. I don’t know why anyone would play this “game”, it’s so dangerous.

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