Entering the Storm Front

For a while I felt like we had reached calmer waters. In our own ways we were weathering the storm and finding a measure of peace. However, I always knew this wouldn’t last for long. Those calm waters are beginning to become turbulent again.

I’ve been lucky enough to receive a good amount of sleep in the last 8 weeks. My body and mind desperately needed that rest. Now, the sleepless nights are returning. As are the nightmares. I thought I was alone in this, but I have discovered that Gary and Daniel are also having trouble sleeping.

Gary is sleeping less than 3 hours a night and the depression is beginning to grip hold of him tightly.

Daniel is complaining of not being able to sleep too. Last night he confessed that he doesn’t feel in the mood for joking around and just wants to sit quietly by himself.

I’m fairing quite well really. Apart from the sleeping problem, and feeling anxious and nauseous all the time, I’m able to get on with life. The recent distraction of the manuscript submission has definitely helped with that.

It’s strange, after Barry passed away, people kept saying I needed distracting and I needed to return to work. Everyone who said that to me deserved a punch in the nose (well, that’s how I felt at the time), because I didn’t need those things. I needed to be left alone and I needed to grief. I also needed to do whatever I could to feel closer to Barry. That’s part of the grieving process.

Now, things have changed and having distractions is a good thing. Now, distractions are helping. It shows me how far I’ve come.

In two weeks, Barry has been gone for one whole year. It doesn’t feel possible.


3 thoughts on “Entering the Storm Front

  1. Karen, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. We are so conditioned all our lives to mark anniversaries–birthdays, holidays, weddings, family events–I suppose it only makes sense that we attach importance to anniversaries of darker events as well. I know I never forget to think of my Dad on November 7th every year, and it’s over 20 years since he died. (And yet I don’t always think of him on his birthday, isn’t that weird?)

    Anyway, I know it’s impossible to avoid, it’s the way we’re conditioned, so the day will be hard for you. But I was thinking maybe if you try to turn it around, make it a day for celebrating and remembering Barry’s life, instead of focusing on his death, it might be easier to get through. Just a thought I had. On the anniversary of my aunt’s death, it just happened there was a family event–it was the only day we could schedule it for everyone to be present–and it actually turned out to be a good idea. We ended up talking about her and remembering the good times when she’d been with us at such events, and it was easier on everyone than sitting around feeling miserable and lonely all day. So I thought I’d pass that idea along. A different way of marking the date, and a different focus. Having such a plan might take away some of the dread as the day approaches, too.

  2. What you say is true, we are conditioned to mark anniversaries. This isn’t always a good thing, especially when the occasions are deaths. I think remembering the people we lost through the use of their belongings, like you said in a comment some months ago, is a better way of holding onto memories. This way we are holding onto life, rather than remembering death. However, that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

    Luckily, the day falls on a Friday – my day off. I plan to release one yellow balloon at midday and then we will go out and find somewhere quiet and peaceful to walk in the sun and relax. More than that we haven’t planned, at this stage.

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