For a while I felt like we had reached calmer waters. In our own ways we were weathering the storm and finding a measure of peace. However, I always knew this wouldn’t last for long. Those calm waters are beginning to become turbulent again.

I’ve been lucky enough to receive a good amount of sleep in the last 8 weeks. My body and mind desperately needed that rest. Now, the sleepless nights are returning. As are the nightmares. I thought I was alone in this, but I have discovered that Gary and Daniel are also having trouble sleeping.

Gary is sleeping less than 3 hours a night and the depression is beginning to grip hold of him tightly.

Daniel is complaining of not being able to sleep too. Last night he confessed that he doesn’t feel in the mood for joking around and just wants to sit quietly by himself.

I’m fairing quite well really. Apart from the sleeping problem, and feeling anxious and nauseous all the time, I’m able to get on with life. The recent distraction of the manuscript submission has definitely helped with that.

It’s strange, after Barry passed away, people kept saying I needed distracting and I needed to return to work. Everyone who said that to me deserved a punch in the nose (well, that’s how I felt at the time), because I didn’t need those things. I needed to be left alone and I needed to grief. I also needed to do whatever I could to feel closer to Barry. That’s part of the grieving process.

Now, things have changed and having distractions is a good thing. Now, distractions are helping. It shows me how far I’ve come.

In two weeks, Barry has been gone for one whole year. It doesn’t feel possible.