Walking a Tight Rope

Yesterday morning my life had a certain calmness about it. By the end of the day I found myself standing on a tight rope stretched dangerously across a bottomless pit. Emotions bubbling over, nerves shattered, I clung for dear life.

This morning, however, I find myself wondering if letting myself fall into that nothingness might give me an end to the worry and stress that constantly unfolds around me.

My parents sometimes jokingly laugh that my life is like Grand Central Station – something is always happening, it’s never quiet. And I agree. That’s exactly what my life is like. Is it any wonder that I long for peace? And I crave for quiet?

But, unlike my suicide unaware previous life, I have always been totally aware that my life was never meant to be easy. I accepted long ago that if something was going to go wrong, it would. I should have seen that suicide could touch my life too, but I was completely ignorant to the facts. But that isn’t what this post is about.

This post is about how quickly things change. Why is it the climb up is so slow, but the fall down is quick?

The real question, however, is how do you prove you love someone? Gary tells me love is a doing word. Gary also tells me that I’ve done what I can and now it’s up to the other person to find love for himself.

I’ve done everything I know. I told him over and over again. I’ve tried to keep him safe. I drew him in close and protected him. I’ve encouraged and supported him. But his bitter words tell me that he thinks I don’t love him and never have.

If I ask too many questions, I’m interrogating him. If I don’t ask questions, I don’t care. If I lay down the rules, I’m stifling him. If I let him be, he thinks he can walk all over me.

Are the words meant to manipulate? To control? Are they said to drive me away? Does he feel anger towards me, because of what Barry did? Does he feel I’m to blame? Does he realise I’m living with a fear that has never gone away?

~~~

If you read this, Daniel, I do love you. I always have. We have had a rocky past and I guess we’ll have a rocky future too, but that doesn’t diminish the feelings I have for you. I had two sons, not one, and I love two sons. I love you and Barry equally. I always have, always will. I think we are so much alike that we clash. We are both stubborn, and we are both angry right now. I might be your mother, but I’m also human and all humans make mistakes. I’m trying the best I can. I am not the enermy. We should be supporting each other in this time, when our feelings are so raw. The coming weeks will only be worse, I’m sure. Please meet me half way. Let’s walk this path together. Please.

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6 thoughts on “Walking a Tight Rope

  1. Oh Karen, I am thinking a lot about you. This must be extremely difficult for you. I hope you find a way to walk the path together at least for a little while.

  2. We started out on the same path, but each month drives us further apart. It’s confusing for all of us.

    However, I distinctly feel anger coming from Daniel and that anger is raging at me. I wish I knew why.

  3. His anger could be raging at you for want of somewhere for it to rage at. There doesn’t have to be any logical reason for it raging at you. Maybe he just needs someone to blame for something for which is too hard to comprehend without assigning faults somewhere.

    ((Hugs))

  4. Maybe you’re right, Rosepetal. I will try to let him rage at me in the hope that it will help him. However, I must protect myself too. I’m hurting inside too. I’m not as strong as he might think I am.

  5. If he’s feeling jealous, and that your time and concerns are mostly with what has passed and not what is the future (him), he should try to tell you. Should you devote less time to your awareness and book?…of course not. I hope he’s seeing his own councilor, and talking to other kids who’ve lost siblings to suicide — like your meeting with the other mother. He must feel alone right now. Him raging at you might feel good to him but it’s bad for you and probably not acceptable behaviour. People who are hurt sometimes don’t know how to communicate well, but try they must! I hope he takes a breath and calmly tries to communicate to you, in whatever manner works best for him. To communicate is good; to meet someone halfway is even better; to use someone as a scapegoat is unhealthy. Karen, to allow yourself to be used as a scapegoat is also unhealthy.

  6. Heather, unfortunately he refuses to see a councillor. I have resolved not to approach that subject again unless he brings it up. It causes too much friction.

    I hear what you’re saying about being used as a scapegoat. I felt a lot of confusion over this (not your post, I mean the actual situation) and the reasoning is long – I don’t want to go into them here. However, I came to the conclusion that I can’t control him, but I should be able to control myself. Unfortunately, Daniel and I are very much alike. Because of this we push the wrong buttons and get under each other’s skin. I need to learn not to react to him, and then he will not over react to my reaction, even if this means avoiding him when I’m in a bad mood (because that’s when I’m more likely to react).

    Having said all that, something I said in our last argument must have penetrated, because his attitude has changed dramatically over the last four or five days. He seems much calmer within himself. He has a car and this has prompted him to want to find another job. He also has a new girlfriend. I think he’s found reasons to push through the pain and carry on. I hope so.

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