Yesterday morning my life had a certain calmness about it. By the end of the day I found myself standing on a tight rope stretched dangerously across a bottomless pit. Emotions bubbling over, nerves shattered, I clung for dear life.
This morning, however, I find myself wondering if letting myself fall into that nothingness might give me an end to the worry and stress that constantly unfolds around me.
My parents sometimes jokingly laugh that my life is like Grand Central Station – something is always happening, it’s never quiet. And I agree. That’s exactly what my life is like. Is it any wonder that I long for peace? And I crave for quiet?
But, unlike my suicide unaware previous life, I have always been totally aware that my life was never meant to be easy. I accepted long ago that if something was going to go wrong, it would. I should have seen that suicide could touch my life too, but I was completely ignorant to the facts. But that isn’t what this post is about.
This post is about how quickly things change. Why is it the climb up is so slow, but the fall down is quick?
The real question, however, is how do you prove you love someone? Gary tells me love is a doing word. Gary also tells me that I’ve done what I can and now it’s up to the other person to find love for himself.
I’ve done everything I know. I told him over and over again. I’ve tried to keep him safe. I drew him in close and protected him. I’ve encouraged and supported him. But his bitter words tell me that he thinks I don’t love him and never have.
If I ask too many questions, I’m interrogating him. If I don’t ask questions, I don’t care. If I lay down the rules, I’m stifling him. If I let him be, he thinks he can walk all over me.
Are the words meant to manipulate? To control? Are they said to drive me away? Does he feel anger towards me, because of what Barry did? Does he feel I’m to blame? Does he realise I’m living with a fear that has never gone away?
If you read this, Daniel, I do love you. I always have. We have had a rocky past and I guess we’ll have a rocky future too, but that doesn’t diminish the feelings I have for you. I had two sons, not one, and I love two sons. I love you and Barry equally. I always have, always will. I think we are so much alike that we clash. We are both stubborn, and we are both angry right now. I might be your mother, but I’m also human and all humans make mistakes. I’m trying the best I can. I am not the enermy. We should be supporting each other in this time, when our feelings are so raw. The coming weeks will only be worse, I’m sure. Please meet me half way. Let’s walk this path together. Please.