Regular visitors to this blog will notice that my posting pattern has become less frequent. As I wrote in an update in the About this Site page on Sunday, “…I walk in the shadows of the light. Never completely whole again, but able to breath in the freshness of the air and feel the warmth of the sun close by.”
This is how I feel at the moment. I’m surviving. My family is surviving. The Eye of the Storm is a calm place to be. I know the months ahead, especially May, will be difficult, but I now have the strength to deal with that. I no longer have nightmares. I am sleeping for long hours at night, around seven hours on average, which has given me strength and cleared my fogged mind.
And at this time of calm, at this time of clearer focus, I had an experience that lifted my spirits, even if it did bring tears too.
On Sunday morning, I sat in our lounge room – early in the morning – with a book. Everywhere was quiet. Everyone was asleep. I sat comfortably in the chair, the book open in my lap. My mind felt at ease. In fact, I had been transported to the setting in the book I was reading.
Then, an aroma filled my nostrils. I looked up at one of the many photos of Barry and smiled. It was his aroma I could smell. It filled the air and surrounded me totally. Barry had come to visit me exactly ten months after his life ended (or so I believed at the time). Completely calm, I stared at his photo and whispered, “I love you, Barry.” The aroma lingered for a moment longer and then disappeared. I turned my gaze back to the book in my lap and continued reading.
Later that same day, Gary told me that he had a dream about Barry. He said that he (Gary) was asked to go outside and when he got there four men stood some distance away. Gary walked over to them. Three of the men were strangers, yet felt familiar to Gary. The fourth person was Barry. He stepped forward and hugged Gary. Barry said that he was sorry for everything. Gary asked if he was in spirit form. Barry wasn’t sure, but told Gary he had been allowed to visit him. Gary told Barry that I wanted to see him. Barry said nothing at first, but Gary saw hurt and worry on Barry’s face before he said, “I can’t see Mum yet. I never realised the pain I’d cause beforehand, but now I know and I can’t face her yet.”
Gary dreamed that at about the time I sat quietly in the lounge room, only a few metres away. Barry visited Gary, but I know I felt his presence too. I’d be lying if I said Barry’s words didn’t upset me. Even now I feel tears stinging my eyes and a lump forming in my throat when I think of them. The thought that my little boy is worried about facing me doesn’t feel good. As I lay in bed on Sunday night, tears streaming down my face, I looked up to the heavens and said, “I forgive you. You don’t have to be afraid of me, Barry. I forgave you ten months ago.”
Note: The image is curtesy of Gary’s Floralscape website. All rights reserved.