Decision Pending

Last week I wrote about Giving Myself Permission “To Be”. In that post I expressed my need for a long break – three whole months would be ideal at this time. However, my options were limited and to cut a sad story short, I didn’t have the days available to me.

This crushed me, because I really do need time … lots of time. I’m feeling burdened by everything right now and need to find a way to create peace in my life, and find time for me to relax and recharge.

Gary and I discussed this and he encouraged me to request that my hours be cut at work, from five days to four. This wouldn’t be a “forever” thing, but I really feel that I need this to be until the end of June, at least.

On Thursday, I chickened out of asking. I’m just too emotional and didn’t want to embarrass myself, again, by sobbing in the office. On Thursday night, I turned to writing to help me get through this. I wrote my bosses a letter. It wasn’t long and it wasn’t pleading. I just stated the facts, after thanking them for their support so far, and then asked them “the question”.

My plan was to leave the letter on one of my bosses desks just before I left to go home on Friday afternoon. I thought this would give them the opportunity to talk about it after hours (which is something they often do) and then they would have the weekend to get used to the idea. So that on Monday, any … what’s the right word … negative feelings towards me might be smoothed over.

On Friday morning, I felt so sick. Nerves, worry, fear all simmered in the pit of my stomach. I knew that I had to do this now…or not at all!

At that moment, one of my bosses walked into my office. I don’t know what I said, which is probably good. I remember holding the letter out to him and his eyes widening. I knew he thought it was my resignation. I murmured something about being too emotional to address them personally, so I’d written what needed to be said in a letter.

The deed is done. They haven’t given me an answer yet. I hope they don’t make me wait too long. This is what I want, what I need, so why am I feeling so tight in the stomach? Why do I tense every time one of them walks into my office?

I’ll tell you why. I’m scared. I’m scared they will say no, because that will take my last hope away. And I don’t know how I’ll cope without any hope. I’ve given what little I had away, and now I’m desperate to get some of it back.


6 thoughts on “Decision Pending

  1. Rosepetal

    Karen, I so hope you get what you asked for at work. I totally understand the fear, since at the moment it seems like the last possible chance and once you have used it up there will be nothing left. You feel like you are making yourself exposed and vulnerable. I feel that way about trying to get pregnant again. Once I started trying, and it doesn’t work, then I have to face the possibility of never having any more children. If I’m not trying, I can allow myself to believe it’s not happening only because I’m not trying and I don’t have to face up to the fact.

    Maybe, if they say no, it will mean that you will be able to look past this, whereas now you see it as the end of hope. You will absorb it and it will be really hard and then you will look beyond to find what other solutions there could be.

    I really hope they say yes. If he thought it was your resignation, then he may react by reading it and thinking, thank goodness she isn’t resigning, what can I do to make sure she doesn’t.

    Bravo for doing the deed – it was a really big step.

    Thinking of you.
    love Rosepetal

  2. Rosepetal, I can’t pretend to understand how you feel. I have no idea. A day off seems trivial next to your decision. I do understand the fear though, how strong it can be, how hard to get around. I hope you find what is needed to conquer that fear. And when you do, I hope things work out how they should this time round. {{{hugs}}}

    Thank you for the encouragement and support. I haven’t heard back from them yet. I have a feeling they are going to make me approach them again. For me, this may not be a good thing for I have anger building within me now and I might do something I’ll regret. I need to address this issue (the anger) soon. They say anger always forms part of the grief. That’s true.

  3. Rosepetal

    I certainly didn’t mean to imply that your time off was trivial – not at all. We have started trying again and every month it’s total devastation when it hasn’t happened, even though it is totally within the realms of normal. I just meant to say I get your fear about asking. ((Hugs))

  4. I know, Rosepetal. I knew what you meant. However, your comment helped *me* see that my decision is trivial compared to decisions other people are making.

    I suppose it’s a reality check for me. That’s a good thing. Although, having said that, I still need time off.

    The “realms of normal” can be so agonising, can’t they? I am sending you my best wishes and happy thoughts. I hope you get a positive result soon.

  5. Karen, I haven’t checked in for a while (being sick) and I’m sorry to hear what’s going on at work. I know the feeling of just having to get away from it–I went through that (for totally different reasons) when I left my law practice. The stress, though, is probably the same. It was extremely difficult for me to sit down with my bosses and tell them I had to leave, and yet I know it was the right thing to do. I hope your bosses get back to you soon with an answer that is good for everyone.

  6. I believe stress is the same for everyone, no matter what the situation. If you are stressed, then you are stressed. I know you’ve been away from law practice for some time, I’ve never heard you sound regretful for making that decision. It sounds like you did the right thing.

    My bosses did get back to me, Sherry. I’ll post about that soon.

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