Just for Today

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 24 hours – Christmas Day. I already feel the emotions bubbling inside me. A lump has formed in my throat and I know my eyes gleam from unshed tears. So far I have managed to stop them streaming down my face. I find myself talking to Barry – asking if he likes the tree we put up this year and telling him that I wish, with all my heart, that he was here with us. For the last hour, I’ve been playing his music because I want to be close to him. I know the tears will flow when I got to bed tonight. I won’t be able to stop them any longer and will need the release of pressure.

The following words just arrived in my email inbox from my online support group and they seem to be written especially for me, although they are written for all bereaved parents. This is what I’ll have to do in the next 24 hours, if I want to make it:

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child’s death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child’s life, not just her death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could of done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will honor my child’s memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for toady I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting her by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

~ written by Vicki Tushingham ~

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3 thoughts on “Just for Today

  1. Karen, I’m reading this at 11:30am in Europe and you must already be in the terribly difficult time you anticipated this morning. I am thinking of you, and thank you for this post, as so many of your posts, it resonates with me.
    with love to you all, Rosepetal

  2. It’s one minute to Christmas (midnight) in my part of the world. I’m thinking of you this Christmas and tomorrow when my mother says the prayer over the meal and adds the bit about thinking of others that need help, I’ll say your name. *hug* It’ll be a hard day but you’ll get through it. I know there are a variety of beliefs in your family (mine too). Consider some of the various meanings of Christmas in the Christian religion: new beginnings, faith in the impossible, boundless love that knows no beginning or end, forgiveness of sins (those who may not have been there or done the right thing this year) — forgiving others always helps one find peace. Soon it’s a New Year, and you’ll have many difficult landmark days behind you. Each day you are stronger and each year, though you know you’ll grieve, you’ll know better what to expect and how to handle it. Faith in the impossible is possible even if you question faith itself — keep talking to Barry; I’m sure he hears you. You know that he loves that you hung up his goofy “stocking”. 😉 You have boundless love for Barry, your partner in your, and your children have boundless love for you too, regardless of here or there. Lives are created live and die but love never ends. These are my thoughts for you on Christmas day. *big hugs* Be well, think of your children with smiles if you can, and look for a small Christmas miracle.

  3. Thank you Rosepetal and Heather for your continued support and best wishes. I accept both with a open heart, as they help carry me through the day sometimes, as I know people care and that makes me continue on.

    Rosepetal, I know this will be a difficult time for you also. Please accept my Christmas wish for you, and that is to have hope and strength to get through this time.

    Heather, I like to believe that Barry does hear me when I talk to him. Thank you for adding me to your Christmas prayer. That means a lot to me. It really does.

    Tomorrow, the celebrations continue. I will write my reflections on the last four days in a post on Wednesday. Until then, my warmest regards and many {{{hugs}}} go to you both.

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