This morning I had a thought that rocked my boat and endangered my well being for the day. Because of a single thought, I’ve been reduced to tears…again.

Five months ago today, my little boy calmly sat at home preparing to take his own life. He was saying his final goodbyes and planning an evening alone with his older brother. It was to be their final hours together. It was to be Barry’s final hours forever.

I wish I knew what was going through his head on that day.

When I spoke to him on the phone in the evening he sounded so relaxed. I know that he had made the decision well before this day and I doubt anything would have changed his mind at that point.

Although I’ve accepted that Barry has gone, I still can’t fully accept how he could have contemplated doing what he did and be so calm about it, but worse still…actually doing it! Right now, my mind is my worst enemy. I miss Barry so much and I don’t need the thoughts, that won’t leave me alone, to continue torturing me.