Brave But Stupid

This morning I stood in Barry’s room looking at the framed photo you see in the sidebar (but without the flowers and wording). I told him how brave he was to take his own life. It took a lot of courage to do such a thing, I have to admit that. But then I went on to tell him how stupid he was too. He gave up his world for the love of a girl. No life is worth so little. She wasn’t worth it. No person is worth it.

We can’t make people love us. We shouldn’t even try. Yet we do. It must be in our nature to do anything we can think of, even things that will make us feel embarrassed and ashamed in the future, to keep hold of someone we love. Even…or should I say especially…when they don’t want us. We don’t realise that we are wasting our time and energy, and we are enabling that person to have complete control over us. As I’ve already said, no person is worth that.

That time and energy would be better used in finding a person who truly loves us. A person who will accept us for what and who we are. A person who doesn’t want to dominate and control, but love and nurture. Someone who will make us happy and content.

Barry is gone forever, and for what? A girl who will meet and marry someone else. Who will have children and live her life without much of a thought for Barry. I’m not saying this is wrong, because it’s not. Why should she dedicate her life to a dead person? No one would expect that, especially me. What I’m saying is that Barry’s actions didn’t do anything to change the situation. He didn’t win the battle, or the war. He didn’t gain the love he craved from her. He isn’t here to see how his actions may have hurt or affected her. He doesn’t know how his death crushed his family. He had the world to live for, yet he chose to end his life over something none of us can control. It seems so pointless.

Oh, Barry, do you now see how stupid your decision was?


7 thoughts on “Brave But Stupid

  1. I have a different perspective on Barry’s impact on his girlfriend. When Jim died it left a permanent marker on my life. He is a part of me forever now, like a piece of glass imbedded under my skin. He couldn’t have me as a girlfriend/wife, yet he is with me always.

  2. I know that this could be the same here too, Moonbeam, I honestly have no idea. The point I’m trying to make is that Barry isn’t here to witness the affect he may or may not have on her. And that’s why I think the whole thing is pointless.

  3. It IS pointless. I’ve always told myself that he couldn’t possibly have intentionally hurt all these people in his life if he wasn’t out of his mind with depression. That’s how I cope. I probably wouldn’t be here if I thought otherwise.
    Reading your blog gives me goosebumps most days when I read it. It’s as if it’s fate that I found your blog and I can imagine Jim’s mother writing the same words (although Jim was an only child). I pray for his parents often and hope they they have found some sort of peace.
    I think it’s very healthy that you don’t seem to be placing blame on others for Barry’s actions. Maybe that’s part of the grieving process, to blame others, but it’s incredibly destructive.

    I’m grateful to you for helping me with my own issues about his death. You’re doing a really wonderful thing here. You are braver and stronger than you know, and you have already come such a long way.

  4. That time and energy would be better used in finding a person who truly loves us. A person who will accept us for what and who we are. A person who doesn’t want to dominate and control, but love and nurture. Someone who will make us happy and content.

    Well said, Karen. I’m going to try and pound this into my sons’ heads.

  5. Moonbeam, Jim’s parents would have taken it harder as he was their only child. I can’t imagine the pain they went through. I do know that if anything happened to Daniel, I’d be ready to give up myself. That’s why I’m using all my strength to keep him alive.

    Blame is part of the process, but I don’t want to waste energy with it. It certainly won’t bring Barry back and it won’t make me feel better. I’m glad that this site is helping someone, even if it might be in a small way.

    Deborah, at the end of the day, no matter what we pound into their heads, they will do what they want to do. That’s the sad part. We could save them so much heart ache, but they have to find out for themselves to grow.

  6. This is what I find so heartbreaking. Everything is so intense when one is a teenager, every emotion is so overwhelmingly strong, every event so world-changing. But almost certainly, Barry would have “gotten over” this girl in time–possibly a very short time–met someone else, moved on, and never looked back. It’s just that eighteen can’t see past the end of the week, or sometimes the end of the day. I don’t understand why we’re wired that way, but we seem to be. And sometimes it’s tragic.

  7. You are right, the feelings and emotions are strong at that age. I remember being 18 and going out with a boy I didn’t feel anything for because I thought I’d never find anyone else.

    It was only when I saw a mean streak in him, that I walked away. And yes, I did find someone else. And it was a very short time later too.

    It’s a shame it has to be this way.

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