To Kill Oneself or Not to Kill Oneself?

I had to think carefully about including the following words on this website. My intentions for the site is to help people…and save families from suffering what my family has been through. The words are written by a survivor in someone else’s family, not mine, but the words speak volumes. The words are powerful. It is for this reason that I decided to place the words here. I share them because I want other survivors to know that if they think this way it is, in fact, normal. And I want people who may have suicidal thoughts to be aware of what they will leave behind if they complete suicide.

To kill oneself or not to kill oneself? That is the question for this suicide survivor. Frankly, one of the reasons I participate in griefnet is to remind myself that the pain of a survivor seems at times to be more than that of the person who killed themselves in the first place. When a person kills themselves they are thinking only of their pain and not the extreme pain of those left behind. No matter how black my world may seem at times, I have to remember that it is even darker for a suicide survivor. I have started my own list of reasons to kill myself, and even with a whole list of reasons, I couldn’t do it, because my pain would infect all those innocents left behind, where it would fester and grow to unimaginable intensity, only those on this site know just how intense that pain can get. Do I want my friends and family to have reason to join this site – the answer is NO. So I keep coming back to refresh my own pain, if you will, and remember that suicide is not the answer.

It is also evident that drugs and alcohol are often a factor in someone making the final, impulsive decision. So I am warned to stay away from drugs and alcohol, especially on the darkest of days when it wouldn’t take much to push one over the edge. Seems in those cases its the drug making the decision. In some way, part of my anger at my brother is the simple fact that he killed himself FIRST so now I can’t, because now I know what it is like for those still living. I don’t think he meant to leave a legacy of such intense pain behind, he just wanted out of his own mental anguish. I must say to myself all those things I would have said to him, had I known he was that desperate. Even though I have somewhat healed from my own experience, I keep coming back to remember where I came from – a unique, unholy hell here on earth. No matter how much I hurt, I cannot send anyone else there. Because I am a survivor, suicide is no longer an option for me.

~~ Carol Bozeman~~


10 thoughts on “To Kill Oneself or Not to Kill Oneself?

  1. Wow, Karen. You’re right, that post speaks volumes. Thursday marked the 10th anniversary of my brother’s death. I realized this when I looked at the calendar at work and thought: I can’t believe he’s been gone 10 years.

    The first five were a living hell. I barely functioned, and I wanted to die. I still have days like that, but they are few and far between now. When a black mood hits, I draw up my mental list of reasons to live.

  2. Deborah, although you had a rough time during those first five years and you still have dark moments, you did make it this far. You have your husband and your sons, your writing, and probably countless other reasons to carry on. You’ve done well. {{{hugs}}}

    A few weeks ago, I was driving when I felt upset, angry, hurt and desperate. I was being reckless and I remember thinking that I didn’t care if I died. Then I realised that if I had been in an accident, it might not be me who died, but an innocent person, a complete stranger. This was enough to make me stop and take note. It was enough to settle me down and push those dark thoughts aside. The next day I found myself thankful that nothing happened.

  3. Hermann

    it’s really unfair and brutal, that there is no way out of life without hurting the ones you love..
    this is hell. I can’t stand life, but I also can’t stand the thought of hurting my mother this badly.
    I’m in the painful cage of life and when I break free it will be even more painful for those who stay back.

    yes, alcohol and living alone supports making death seem like beautiful peace, that can finally quiet ones heart.
    I am very much aware of the simple roots of my feelings, but I don’t see myself capeable of changing that.

  4. shell

    I am 34 and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since 15. The only reason i haven’ done it is for everybody else. therefore i have to suffer so they don’t. Hate them for being so selfish they can’t see my pain,don’t want to help me but won’t let me go. Has anyone ever considered that they are beng selfish for wanting someone to go on living in severe emotional pain just so they don’t feel bad when the person finally sets themselves free from the pain?

  5. Amanda

    My husband only wants me to be happy and all I want to do is die. Nothing seems to have purpose and the pain is so great that it just takes hold of me, it could be at any moment in time that the thought crosses my mind, take a little more of those pills, get the knife out of the drawer, run into the tree up ahead at full speed. Just end it. I’m angry at people and I just want them to know how mad I am because nothing I say seems to get through. But mainly killing myself just seems like a quick way to alleviate my pain. I do care about others and I don’t want to be the cause of their pain or any pain. But, then again, aren’t we supposed to be in charge of our own pain? I mean if I don’t let someone inflict pain on me, can I control my own feelings and not be hurt? I don’t think so. I do think it’s possible for someone to seriously hurt someone else and damage their life forever, and this is why killing yourself can’t be the answer, because continuing acycle of pain andviolence can only cause more harm to the world. The only way committing suicide is alright is if we all do it together at once and unfortunately I don’t think I can convince everyone to do that. Perhaps a meteor will hit the earth soon and end all suffering.

  6. I have struggled with depression and low self-esteem most of my life. WIth that said there have been times when life was really ok, when I felt i had succeeded in life even to the point where I felt proud of myself and happy to be me, I had a wonderful career playing in an international orchestra, which allowed me to finally not need the finanical support of my mother, big accomplishment, being married to a man who completely believed in me and a life of living as an expatriate in asia. I had it all but then the marriage fell apart mostly through my supidity and supidity which I will never forgive myself for that throw me into the abyss of self contempt and self hatred. Somehow though, the light came, it took along time but it came. And as I reflect there was always the light at least at that time.There were friends and my counsellor who never stopped believing in me even when I stopped believing in myself.
    Because of the support I recieved and my experience with the darkness, I really wanted to be there for others suffering from isolation, loss of hope and dispair so I decided to pursue a degree in counselling. I really did think that I could make a difference, I really did. I believed I had really found my calling and my passion.I even made the decision to take a leave of absense to do my masters degree in psychology. Which at the time made so much sense. I guess the kicker though was getting remarried and making the decision to leave the orchestra. That was when everything started to come crashing down. We moved to belgium where hes from to a rented house in the countryside.. I couldnt get a job, and I couldnt seem to make any friends. I experienced unbarable culture shock, a complete loss of identiy, confusion, anger, and regret. Ater 9 months I just couldnt bare it any longer and I knew if I stayed longer the marriage would end.So I decided to move back to KL. I had high hopes for my return, I gave myself 3 months to get my practise up and running
    But now nearing the age of 50, that scary and foreboding milestone, I realize or feel the fultility or the arrogance of my belief that I could actually pull this new career off.
    I m so sorry this is so long winded I guess i just wanted to give you some back ground because in a way I feel guilty for having these feelings because other people who feel they want to end their lives, their stories seem far more compelling
    Anyway reading the stories have certainly made me reflect on how this would effect my mom but the worry she has had to endure with me it would make far more sense to ease her worry by my not being here any longer because I really only cause her pain because when she finally feels that im on the right path, I go and screw it up..
    I guess now I feel that my 9 lives have been used up and that if there is a god or angels, they have given up on me and you know what I really cant blame them, I have tested their patience for so long now I feel I have tested them to the point of resignation. I always felt that whatever mistakes I made something good would come out of it that dispite the stupid thinks I have done I would be ok but this time its different, this time I feel truely on my own and you know what maybe I deserve it, that karma has come around..
    i just wanted to help those who needed support who felt lost and alone but maybe im just not the one to now iam filled with regret and a sense of failure that i dont know how much longer I can live with..thankyou for letting me write to you

  7. In reply to the comments left on this post, I just wanted to say that by admitting you have thoughts of suicide and writing the comments you are reaching out for help. I encourage you to seek counselling, ring Lifeline or talk to a friend you can trust. Please, some things can not be done alone!

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