Even in the turmoil, life can “seem” to be moving forward at a steady pace. Although I live a life of fear and worry, not to mention the intense grief I’m suffering, I’m managing to get through each day.
I do have things that help me: my family, my writing and my family tree research. I can lose myself in the last two things for hours on end, which provides me with a much needed rest from the thoughts that otherwise occupy my mind.
In the last three weeks, my surviving son has attempted suicide and has left his girlfriend four times. Whilst his life is in turmoil, so is mine. Because I know that it is at these troubled times that Daniel is volatile. I worry about him, I want to keep him safe, yet he’s a man in his own right and I have no control over his actions.
Time moves on. We survive each day. The pain is always there and the sadness is always just below the surface, hidden behind a smile that doesn’t quite reach the eyes.
I feel that I’ve been served too much to deal with. That I’m being unfairly punished for things I must have done wrong in my life. My body is trying to protect me and because the burden is too heavy my emotions have shut down. I am empty. I go through the motions and do what is expected of me, but life no longer excites me like it should.
Today, in less than two hours, I have a counselling session. This is probably a good thing.