Love Always, Big Fella

To Barry,

It has been 3 long months now and nothing is getting any better for me, or any of us. I just wish it was a dream, that you went over to England for a hoilday, but I know that it’s not.

Do you know that I’ve been depressed for the last 3 months and I know what you were going throw now more than I did then? My head is one big mess at the moment. I’ve been suicidal a few times too and a couple of the times very close. I think about doing it alot and I look around at things I can use. I really want to be with you, Barry, and make sure you’re OK. I miss you so much and I miss all the good and fun times we shared together. I just want you back, and do you know, sometimes, I think to myself that maybe you’re inside of me because once when I rang Mum she thought she was talking to you and it was because of me making a joke with her and you use to do that she was saying to me. When I’m with Angie she will say to me a lot that we are very alike in personality ways; the way I act and sometimes talk or move, just little things. One more thing is, I love you, Barry, and I always will. No one will ever be as good as a brother or best friend like you, and I really do mean that. You’re always in my heart.

love always big fella,

( Daniel ) xoxoxoxoxo


14 thoughts on “Love Always, Big Fella

  1. Heather

    Good for you, Daniel, for being able to take the time to write to your brother. It’s a horrible loss you’ve suffered. Keep talking to people, keep being open about healing, keep fending off poor choices when it comes to your health. You need to be strong not only for yourself, but for Barry too, and most of all for your mother. You can do it. Fight. Live. Be Strong.

  2. daniel

    Thank you for taking the time to write back to me and taking interest in my letter. I’ve been going to a counsellor for someone to talk to and I’ve got my family and friends too. I still get bad suicidal thoughts and I’m trying to work on them.

  3. Amanda

    I can only imagine what you’re going through. I’ve read the letters that your mom and grandparents also wrote to your brother. It sounds like you are part of a loving family. I hope you find strength in that.

    Please remember the pain your brother caused. You don’t want to do that to your family again, I’m sure.

    Remember and love your brother, but find reasons to love life too. Be strong. You, and your family, are in my thoughts.

  4. daniel

    im so glad that people like yourself are reading the letters. And that people care i dont always think of doing anything to myself its only when i get depressed. I start thinking bad thoughts but i am working on them but it still gets hard for me. Because he was my brother and we were very close we did so much together and i miss all of the times we shared together.Thankyou so much for writing to me amanda im so grateful.

  5. Amanda

    You’re welcome, Daniel.

    I think you’re being brave. I hope you continue to work on how you feel. Good luck with the future.

  6. daniel

    hi amanda

    thankyou for replying to me and yes i will continue working on all the bad thoughts i get. this week i haven’t been depressed at all so thats good.

  7. daniel

    hi joe

    yes it’s been a terrible 3 months and i find thinks very hard and i forget thinks all the time. like what im doing or where im going it’s like a memory blank i get afraid of things every now and then but i do really miss my brother we did so much together.

    and thankyou for writting to me it means so much to me.

  8. Sherry

    Daniel, I think you’re very brave and please keep holding on. I can see you’re having a tough time but it does get easier as time goes on, little by little. I’m certain the counselling will continue to help you and your mom both. I’m glad you’re leaning on each other to get through this terrible time. The strength you get from each other will keep you going. Keep looking ahead, not back, and the dark thoughts will fall behind you.

  9. daniel

    i just read my brother’s suicide letter just now and it’s the first time ive actually read. I also watched a video we made on my brother’s mobile phone they were good memory’s ive had and i wish i could continue them with him but i know that it’s not going to happen. i think to myself is he in a better life because i really want him to be because i know that im not without barry and i really would like to be with him right now because i don’t know what to do with myself when im like this i keep thinking bad thoughts instead of good ones i just want my brother back

    i know i did answer your blog but i need someone to talk to right now i think this is got to be the worst depression ive had in a while.

    thankyou for messaging me sherry.

  10. Sherry

    Daniel, I understand that must have been very hard for you to read. I’ve had losses in my life too (although not to suicide) and I know there are times when the pain is so hard it seems like you just can’t stand it. But you are strong–I know you will get through this, for your mom’s sake and for your own sake–and for Barry’s sake, too. I’m sure he would want you to go on to a full, happy life. Your memories of him will always be bittersweet, but he will never really be gone while you have them. It won’t always hurt so much. Keep moving toward that time.

  11. Daniel, you can talk to me. Come to me anytime. Day or night. About anything. It doesn’t matter if you think your words will hurt me. I don’t care. I just want to help you. I’d give anything to take your pain away.

    I love you, Daniel. Please remember that.

  12. daniel

    hi sherry im so sorry that ive taken so long the write back to you. Im sorry to hear about your losses and yes i always think about barry. From when i wake up in the morning to when i go to sleep at night. But when i come to this website it makes me think very hard of him and the things we did from when we were little kids till 3 months ago.

  13. daniel

    hi mum i know i can come to you when ever i need to talk but sometime i just can’t talk to anybody about how i feel. Barry and i are very alike in that way, Barry would talk to me about how he feels but only to a content and i was exactly the same i’d go the Barry and talk if i needed to

    Im just in a very mixed up world at the moment and im trapped i just want Barry back.

    i love you to mum.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s