My Dearest Barry,
It’s hard to believe that it’s been three months today since you ended your life. And it’s been longer since I last set eyes on your happy, smiling face. It feels like a lifetime. I still look for you in the street. I still wait for you to return home in the evening. I miss the smell of your deodorant wafting through the house. I miss your witty sense of humour. The house feels empty and cold without you in it. I miss you more than words can say.
Do you hear me talking to you? Do you see my sorrow as I cry into my pillow at night? Are you all right? I find this last question running through my mind every day. As your mother I need to know that you are safe and protected. I can’t help worrying about you and I doubt I’ll ever stop doing that.
Barry, the bond between us was strong. We were always comfortable with each other. You often made me laugh with your clowning around. I often embarrassed you with my “sick” jokes. How often did you say, “You’re not funny, Mum.” And I think you knew that, despite my strictness, you could get anything from me (if I had it to give), but you never exploited that fact which only made our bond closer.
I remember the times we went “cruising”. You laughed because you were cruising with your mum instead of your mates. Never mind the fact that you were really having driving lessons. They were brilliant times. We spent a lot of time together during those months and we did a lot of laughing. I’ll treasure those memories forever. Remember when I made you stop the car and get out. You looked so worried, but were obviously relieved when I told you to stand beside your car so that I could take a couple of photos. I have had one of those photos enlarged and it takes pride of place on the wall in the lounge room. I love that photo of you. You look so happy and relaxed. What happened to change that?
I trusted you, I believed in you and I know that you would have gone far in your life, even if you didn’t believe that yourself. I’m proud of you, even now, because you were the only Henderson to complete the Higher School Certificate. You may not have received a pass, but that’s beside the point. You proved that you had determination and staying power. You did it. I admire you for that and so many other people did too. You tried so hard, Barry. I’ll never forget that fact.
It’s been three months and there are still so many questions left unanswered. I want to ask you those questions. I wish we could sit together and talk. I wish you’d given me the opportunity to help you. There are so many things that I wish for. Mostly, I wish I could have you back. I’d give anything to have you back.
Your family always loved you, Barry. We always will love you. Nothing could ever change that. You will be in our hearts and minds forever.
I miss you, my darling.
love and hugs,