Picking between Write or Right

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a writer of children’s chapter books (unpublished as yet), so I found it amusing that my counsellor should advise me to write about my feelings and experiences. She doesn’t know I write and she doesn’t know about this website. That side of my life is unimportant when I sit with her. I’m there to talk about my grief, not my writing. And I didn’t bother telling her. However, she’s the second person this week who has said this to me.

For me, writing is therapy. It helps me get the details straightened out. It helps me sort through the true facts and the nonsense my mind throws in there to confuse me. It also helps to relieve the pressure. By sharing the information, I’m off loading the stress and that’s good for my well being.

When I started this blog I did so with the promise (to myself) that I would be open and honest. That was before so many people I know (in real life) discovered the site existed. Now, I find myself holding back because I don’t want to hurt people and/or worry them. Yet that was a risk I took by making this “diary” public.

At present, I’m trying to work out where I stand on all this exposure. Will I continue to document our journey? Should I stop and take the suffering behind closed doors? When it was just strangers on the internet reading my words, it was fine, but now that family and friends of my entire family are finding their way here…I’m not so sure.

Having said this, everyone who has commented on what they have read here, have been supportive. The feedback has been positive. Family members, who live some distance away from us, tell me that they feel connected to us through my words. They now understand what happened during those dark hours through My Story, and they understand what my immediate family must be suffering. There is still so much more that I want to write about, but how can I be sure that no one will get hurt? Yes, people will cry and be upset, I expect that to happen, but when I say “hurt”, I mean really hurt. I would never intentionally do that to anyone. Writing is a way for me to release the pressure on my own shoulders, but in doing this I would never want to shift that pressure to someone else.

On the other hand, I have people out there who I want to reach out to. Unknown people. Families like mine. Teenagers like Barry. Parents like me. It’s important that the facts are shared and documented. It’s important that suicidal people know that there is help. It’s important to me to carry on with what I’m doing.

And this is just another example of where I’m trying to do the right thing by everyone. I’m told that I have to stop doing this, that it will eventually do my head in. I’m told that everyone else is quite capable of taking care of themselves; I don’t have to be there for everyone, all the time. I’m told that I have to look after me too.

I have to stop here, because now I’m started to confuse myself (again).

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4 thoughts on “Picking between Write or Right

  1. I think your cause is important. Parents need to know that anyone can suicide and sometimes without obvious warning signs. You could slip away from this blog site and begin another one without telling everyone. After a bit you could post the new address for those you want to follow you. You could even just stop blogging for awhile until people give up on you, then come back to this one. You could also make your posts so that people need a password. There are lots of options, but I know it’s touchy in that you don’t want to offend anyone. I think blogging is a great distraction and a way to work through your problems. I hope you don’t hang it up. You’ve come a long way and I know you’re doing a lot of good for yourself and others.

  2. I’ve given those ideas some thought. But honestly, I don’t want to stop posting to this site. Writing here has helped me so much, and I shouldn’t put pressure on myself (because none of the family have complained; and Daniel told me that he would like to write his own post tomorrow). Anyway, I virtually talked myself into “carrying on” in my post.

    Password protecting some of the more sensative posts is something worth thinking about though. It will mean I’ll have a record of those issues, but won’t have to worry about offending anyone. Thanks for the suggestion.

  3. Hi Karen – Let me share something with you.

    I am a Domestic Violence Advocate (somewhat). I write articles and spread awareness about violence. I was abused by my ex-husband a long time ago. A lot of family and friends cannot understand why I am doing this or why I am “wasting” my energy trying to help others. They feel that I should just move on.

    You see, when people don’t experience things – they have no clue. I truly believe in my heart that your son would want you to have this blog.

    If only you help just one person – Spreading awareness about suicide and Bipolar will help others immensely. Believe me. All it takes is one parent to save their child because of your blog and you have completed your mission in life.

    What people don’t realize is that in order to help ourselves – we must help others. It is a sense of comfort and compassion that keeps us above water.

    I love what I do and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I truly believe that things happen for a reason.

    Through your writing, I could tell you have a big heart and a sensitive soul – anyone with these gifts should share it with others.

    Don’t give up. You are doing a great job.

  4. Thank you for sharing that with me, Dream Writer. And thank you for the kind words. It did help me a lot, even though it also made me cry.

    I do receive the odd comment or email from complete strangers who tell me that my words have helped them in their own grief. This does make the effort worth it.

    And yes, the blog is staying and continuing. 🙂

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