Behind Closed Doors

Once again I cried when I got into bed last night. This is becoming a habit.

I feel that I’m trying hard to keep this family going. And at times I don’t think I’m succeeding; and I’m not coping well myself either.

Last night I found myself sitting in bed, in the dark, praying for help. My words were spoken to Barry. How can I ask a higher being for help when I’ve spent most of my life as a non-believer? Why would my prayers be heard? Yet I know that if Barry can hear me, he’d help if he can.

Please Barry, help us get through this. Please give us strength and the courage to go on. Please protect your brother. I know you wouldn’t want him to follow you, not this time, not into death. Please guide Daniel to safety. I can’t do this alone. I love you, Barry. Please help us.

The tears consume me at night, when I’m alone and can no longer hold back my feelings.

The people around me think I’m strong, so why do I feel as if my world is still crumbling? Why do my hands shake as I write these words? When will the agony stop?


2 thoughts on “Behind Closed Doors

  1. Stefanie

    I found your memorial website today for Barry. I’ve been trying to find comfort lately because my own brother committed suicide two weeks ago today. My brother was 30 and I am two years younger than him. I read your blog and find myself in your position. I’m taking care of everything for our parents, everyone thinks that I’m so strong and I’m crumbling too. My husband has been my rock and I have been my parents rock but it is son incredibly difficult.

    I just wanted to let you know that your blog has brought me comfort that I’m not alone. Everyone tells me, it will get easier and I’m waiting…

    Las Vegas

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, Stefanie.

    When I started this blog I was in your shoes and people told me that things would get easier. I didn’t believe them 100%, but I waited just like you’re waiting now. It’s been three months today since I lost my son, and it’s true, it does get easier. Yesterday, I read my older posts and even I can see that I’ve improved with time.

    Hang in there, Stefanie. But remember, being strong for your parents is fine, as long as you remember that you need to grieve too. Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.

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