When I typed the words, about the contract, in Determining the Risk I remember thinking how extreme it would be to have to make a contract with a loved one in order to try and keep them alive.
Well, Daniel has signed a contract with his counsellor to this affect. On Saturday 5 August 2006, he agreed that he would not try to harm himself in any way, including self-harm and taking his own life, prior to his return visit to see her on Saturday 19 August 2006. I have no idea if she’ll get him to sign another contract at that time, but when Daniel told me about this one he sounded like it was a serious thing; almost like it was a legal document. If it works, I’m all for it.
Last night I asked Daniel if he still had those thoughts. He told me that when he is stress free, he doesn’t. But as soon as stress hits him, depression hits too, and then the thoughts and images come and that’s when his thoughts turn dark. He told me that he doesn’t actually want to die, but he does want to be with Barry sometimes, especially in those terrible depressed moments. My research and counsellors have told me that this is normal in grief. It’s what we do with these thoughts that make the difference.
I want to be with Barry too. However, I’m not prepared to take my own life for that to happen. I feel that life isn’t worth the effort at times, but I’ll struggle on because maybe somewhere down the track things will improve. I pray that Daniel has the courage to do the same.