Small Steps

Following yesterday’s “assessment” and the short, over the phone, counselling session, I decided to take steps in moving forward today.

Firstly, I think it’s important that people know that I’m not all right. This includes the people I work with and for. I recently talked about the façade I present to the world. I’ve been holding back my feeling, showing a brave face and, generally, just trying to get on with things when inwardly I’m falling apart. This has to stop.

When I arrived at work this morning, I asked for a short “chat” with my bosses, in private. I wanted to say what was on my mind without interruption, without crying. They listened attentively, but I couldn’t stop the tears. They both said they had no idea things were as bad as I claimed. They said that they thought I was coping quite well. They were shocked to learn the truth.

I am fortunate to have understanding bosses, I’ve always known this and it does relieve the pressure to a degree. However, they can only act on the information they have available to them so hiding the truth wasn’t a very good act on my part. I should have known better from the start and only have myself to blame, but I’m so glad that I took this step. The pressure to perform to everyone else’s expectations was never as high as my own expectations. I finally acknowledge that.

I have to learn to give myself some slack and accept help, and that’s exactly what I plan to do – from counsellors, from my bosses, from my workmates, and from my family and friends.

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4 thoughts on “Small Steps

  1. I just want to leave a comment sending best wishes your way. That’s a huge step to take and it takes a lot of bravery to do so.

  2. Karen, I am so proud of you for taking the bull by the horns. That must have been so incredibly difficult. But now they know exactly what’s going on and that must be a big relief for you. I wish I’d done that. Everyone expected me to be fine so I acted fine at work and suffered alone. Even my closest friends were’nt sure what to make of me (why doesn’t she get over it?). Were you worried your bosses would think you’d gone off the deep end? Are you concerned they will treat you differently at work now that they know, like walking on eggshells around you? You did the right thing for you no matter how it plays out. You are stronger than you know.

  3. I told them that it was a sign of weakness, in my eyes, to admit that I wasn’t coping, but I realise that I’m not weak…I just need help to get through the pain. Accepting help is a big thing.

    I’ve told them to continue on as normal, that I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells. They can act normal, and I’ll be fine with that. They understood why I was telling them, and they even offered some alternatives to my work hours, if I need extra time off.

    By talking to my bosses, I’ve taken the pressure off myself. This is a good, welcome thing.

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