Following yesterday’s “assessment” and the short, over the phone, counselling session, I decided to take steps in moving forward today.
Firstly, I think it’s important that people know that I’m not all right. This includes the people I work with and for. I recently talked about the façade I present to the world. I’ve been holding back my feeling, showing a brave face and, generally, just trying to get on with things when inwardly I’m falling apart. This has to stop.
When I arrived at work this morning, I asked for a short “chat” with my bosses, in private. I wanted to say what was on my mind without interruption, without crying. They listened attentively, but I couldn’t stop the tears. They both said they had no idea things were as bad as I claimed. They said that they thought I was coping quite well. They were shocked to learn the truth.
I am fortunate to have understanding bosses, I’ve always known this and it does relieve the pressure to a degree. However, they can only act on the information they have available to them so hiding the truth wasn’t a very good act on my part. I should have known better from the start and only have myself to blame, but I’m so glad that I took this step. The pressure to perform to everyone else’s expectations was never as high as my own expectations. I finally acknowledge that.
I have to learn to give myself some slack and accept help, and that’s exactly what I plan to do – from counsellors, from my bosses, from my workmates, and from my family and friends.