Suicidal Thoughts

Tonight, I have had one problem after the other. I have decided to make changes on a message board I own, and someone has turned bitter towards me. So be it. I don’t have the energy to waste on that situation, because my surviving son has also told me that he has had suicidal thoughts in the last few hours. I know which situation is more important to me.

My fingers are shaking as I type these words. My mind is a jumble. I’ve lost one son, I won’t lose another. Not while I have breath in this body. But what is a mother to do? I’ve talked to him. I’ve listened to him. I’ve ensured he knows that he has other options available to him. I’ve tried not to stress him further, and I’ve tried not to put pressure on him. I’ve offered to take him to a counsellor and I’ve also offered to pay for it too. What else can I do?

I will ensure the house and yard are free of anything that might make taking a life easier. I will continue to watch him all the time. Now I know why I can’t sleep at night. Now I know why I study the shape of the trees at the bottom of the garden from my window at night. Is the torment ever going to leave me alone? What am I supposed to do?

I will NOT lose the only surviving son I have left.

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2 thoughts on “Suicidal Thoughts

  1. Your family has been in my thoughts and prayers so much since I stumbled across your site. I am worried about all of you. I feel for Daniel especially since he’s about the age I was when Jim died. He must have such feelings of ‘why didn’t I…’ Those feelings of guilt are so hard to shake. People have told me I couln’t have done anything, and I know depression probably had a lot to do with it, but deep down I know I could have helped him. I think of suicide at times, but having been a survivor, I couldn’t ever do that to those I love. Surely Daniel thinks the same way. He does need therapy I think, maybe just a couple sessions. He needs someone in the field to say, “You couldn’t have stopped him. He didn’t want you to torment yourself. You need to live your life.”
    Has Daniel been doing any reading on Suicide and Grief? It may help him as well. Or maybe a survivor support group in your area.
    His feelings of suicide are normal, and it’s so great he can be honest with you. He has lots of choices of releiving his pain that wouldn’t cause the family more. Keep talking to him.
    Hang in there Karen. You are doing great.

  2. Unfortunatley, Daniel isn’t a reader. I’ve given him brochures to read, but he hasn’t looked at them. I know he wouldn’t bother with a book.

    I offered to take him to a support group, but he was strongly against it. I think I might be able to talk him into seeing another counsellor, at least once.

    On Monday, I plan to see a doctor and discuss our options (and I also plan to get something to help me sleep; I don’t believe in long term medication, but I do believe that I’ll be more focused if I can get a few nights sleep.)

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