Tonight, I have had one problem after the other. I have decided to make changes on a message board I own, and someone has turned bitter towards me. So be it. I don’t have the energy to waste on that situation, because my surviving son has also told me that he has had suicidal thoughts in the last few hours. I know which situation is more important to me.

My fingers are shaking as I type these words. My mind is a jumble. I’ve lost one son, I won’t lose another. Not while I have breath in this body. But what is a mother to do? I’ve talked to him. I’ve listened to him. I’ve ensured he knows that he has other options available to him. I’ve tried not to stress him further, and I’ve tried not to put pressure on him. I’ve offered to take him to a counsellor and I’ve also offered to pay for it too. What else can I do?

I will ensure the house and yard are free of anything that might make taking a life easier. I will continue to watch him all the time. Now I know why I can’t sleep at night. Now I know why I study the shape of the trees at the bottom of the garden from my window at night. Is the torment ever going to leave me alone? What am I supposed to do?

I will NOT lose the only surviving son I have left.