Maybe it’s because it’s the 18th, I really don’t know, but I’m feeling fragile today.
Sitting at my desk in my office at work this morning, I thought I’d be alright. However, within 20 minutes of arriving, the tears started and I couldn’t hold them back. No matter how much I tried.
Being a secretary, the first line of contact in the office, I couldn’t face people or the phone. Not in this state. I quickly went to one of my bosses and asked if I could go for a “walk or something”. I suppose he took this as “let me go for a walk or I’ll have to go home”, but that’s not what I meant. I just needed to get away from people, and clear my head.
Naturally, he said it was fine, and I left the office. At first, my pace was fast as I tried to distance myself from people, from everything. The tears quickened with my pace and I cried for Barry, again. Yet, I still didn’t allow the feeling to properly rise to the surface. If I had done that, I would have fallen apart completely.
Ten minutes later, I noticed that as my tears subsided, my pace slowed. I continued to walk. It was freezing, but that was welcome. It meant that I was feeling something other than grief.
By the time I returned to the office, I felt more relaxed, but still fragile. It won’t take much to push me over the edge today. I really don’t want to collapse in a heap. I don’t have the strength.