I can’t sleep and when I do, I’m having nightmares. After the initial shock of Barry’s passing had worn off, it became something that was happening about once a week. However, now this is occurring every night.
I’m exhausted and it’s not helping my already weak frame of mind.
Thing is, I want to sleep so badly, but at the same time I’m scared to sleep because I can’t face the nightmares. What are the nightmares? They are repeated reruns of Barry’s death. Sometimes we find him in time, only to lose him anyway. Sometimes, the events are slightly different, but the end result is always the same. And if I don’t dream of Barry, I am plagued with images of Daniel doing the same thing; or my own death. In one dream, I was thankful to be put out of my misery. (This isn’t really how I feel when I’m awake, but I do admit that sometimes everything is too much to handle.)
Right now, it’s 3.30pm and I’m hardly able to keep my eyes open. I’ve been struggling for several hours now. In fact, I’ve been struggling since about 10am. My body looks forward to bedtime, but my mind will not shut off. I don’t know what to do. Is it any wonder why I can’t concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time?
I feel like, apart from the grief, I am battling a monster. Where the energy comes from to continue, I have no idea. I long for peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask? Haven’t I been through enough?
I’m sorry, I’m not having a very positive day and I find the constant need to push myself through these hurricanes tiresome.