Whilst surfing the internet today, I found a blog started by a person for similar reasons why I started this blog – that person had lost someone and was trying to deal with the pain. However, after a number of months, the person started having regrets about what they had written. This is part of what they wrote as the last entry on their blog:
I’ve realized that I made a big mistake by starting this blog. It serves no purpose to put feelings out for public view, so I’ve deleted the entries from the last six months.
I was going to explain some things, but thought better of it. I think a small part of my old self has awakened again. I’m a bit ashamed of all the whining I’ve done here. I’m embarrassed that I’ve sought out people in my life for emotional support when I should have dealt with things privately, on my own. When I lost my mind to grief, I forgot everything that I knew.
There was more, but the above is what I want to comment on.
Firstly, in six months I might wake up one morning and feel the same way as the blogger who wrote those words. If that happens, then I’ll cross that bridge at that time and will make a decision as to what I’ll do next. However, for now, I’m finding this blog helpful. I believe it helps my friends and family understand why I’m acting the way I am. I believe it has shown them that my sorrow is much deeper than they at first thought. More importantly, it allows me to put things straight in my mind. Before writing this blog, everything was a jumbled mess. Fact and fiction merged until I no longer knew what truth was. It is worrying what a troubled mind comes up with.
Secondly, I disagree with the statement, “I should have dealt with things privately, on my own.” No one should deal with grief on their own. Most people don’t feel the need to be as public as I am, or as the blogger was, but we shouldn’t be left alone to deal with an issue this big either. Somewhere in the post, the blogger said that their old self was starting to come through, and I believe that it was probably time to stop writing the blog, but not time to delete the words expressed in those months. They were important words; even if they only meant anything to the person who wrote them (which I doubt would be the case). I know that if I had to deal with what I’ve been going through, on my own, I’d go insane.
Will I have regrets about starting this blog? About sharing the worst moments of my life? About making public, what most people would want to remain private? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m inclined to think the latter. One thing I will say though. The events surrounding the death of Barry has brought a very private person on the internet out into the open for all to see. And, maybe, I’ll even consider using my real name for publication now, instead of a pen name. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a writer (unpublished as yet, but I will endeavour to change that in the future).