Troubled Thursdays

Not only did Barry end his life on a Thursday, it seems that Thursdays continue to be the worst day of the week for my grieving family. It’s the day when something upsetting always happens which immediately takes the spark from under us…again.

It started on the second Thursday after Barry passed away when I received the death certificate. Seeing an official piece of paper with my son’s date of death, and cause of death, typed on it was actually the first step in my acceptance of what had happened. Up to this day, nothing felt real…not even the viewing or the funeral.

On the third Thursday, we picked up Barry’s ashes. Without doubt, this was a traumatic day, which will stay with me for many years to come.

The Thursday after that we had to attend the police station to give statements, and for the first time we were told about, and shown, the final letter written by Barry. Until then we didn’t know the letter existed. We had finally accepted the fact that Barry had NOT written a letter, only to discover that he had and it had been kept from us. We felt the police were unjust in their actions where the matter of the letter was concerned. We should have been shown it straight away. Four weeks after his death, we finally were able to read Barry’s reasons, which brought everything to the surface again.

Then, yesterday, I received the autopsy report and yes, it was another Thursday. Gary and I sat quietly and read the report. Most of it was not new to us, but we did want to know one thing – was there drugs (or alcohol) in Barry’s system? There was not. I have mixed feelings about this news. On the one hand, if he did have drugs in his system, I would be able to cast blame in that direction and that probably would have made me feel better – for a day or two. On the other hand, I felt relieved that he wasn’t on drugs at the time of his death. Why? I’m not sure exactly. Maybe I prefer to know that he made the decision with a clear head. However, that then sets other questions running around my mind, like, what had been so terrible in his life to make him take his own life? I still can’t answer this question.

Each Thursday we are given another hurdle to slow us down. So far, we’ve done extremely well. However, our bodies and minds are weakening, we can’t stand against these constant battles and win. Can we? I suppose we must. And what of next Thursday? What will be thrown at us then? I can’t think of a single possibility, so perhaps we will have reached the end of our trials by then. We’ll have to wait and see what happens.

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