During the last six weeks, I’ve found myself wondering how I missed seeing Barry’s despair. I’ve continually asked myself if I had seen that something was wrong would I have been able to change the end result. These questions plague me, but in all honesty, there is nothing to be done about it now and I should let these thoughts go.
Naturally, that’s easier said than done, but I did come to the conclusion that Barry allowed us to see what he wanted us to see. Unfortunately, that has left me with a feeling a greater loss, because I feel as if I lost sight of the real person somewhere along the way. He was a great actor. I know this because he fooled me completely.
Then, today, I discovered that we all act around other people. I’ve been doing it for six weeks. I’m showing family and friends the strong side of myself, yet inwardly I’m crushed. Everyone around me thinks I’m doing OK, but am I really?
This discovery came when I tried to write a simple “thank you” email to a friend who had sent me some books. I felt that I had to write more than just a thank you. I should be able to correspond about other things, but I realised that my life has been put on hold – the word I used in the email was “hibernated”. There was nothing to write about because I don’t do anything except get up, do my four hours at work, then sit at home and wait for the moment I can drop into bed, feeling exhausted. I’m not living life, I’m just existing. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for my life to end.
Everything I previously did has been pushed aside. Everything I previously enjoyed is no longer thought about. I’m losing weight, I’m losing my hair, I’m not interested in other people (although I try to pretend that I am), and my head feels like it’s filled with cement.
“I’m not depressed. I’m sad and I’m grieving, but I’m not depressed.” I’ve told myself this a thousand times. However, not only am I acting…I’m lying too.
Take a look at this list – Depression Diagnosis. I have every one of the symptoms, except the last one. And, I admit that I came close to that one too. “What’s the point of carrying on” is just a step away from suicidal thoughts.
I am depressed, terribly depressed. There, I admit it.
The signs of suicide are not always visible. The person thinking about ending their own life won’t always give hints or threats. Sometimes, the person lives a lie and pretends that everything is just fine. This is what Barry did. This is what I’m doing now. So…how can other people trust what they see? How can they fix something they don’t know about? The only way is for the person suffering depression to say something…talk to someone. Parents need to talk to their children. Children need to talk to their parents. And, if circumstances don’t allow this, phone a helpline and talk to a stranger. It’s important. It’s necessary. It could make a huge difference to your health and your life.
If you are depressed, please talk to someone today. And if you’re the onlooker, and your gut tells you that something is amiss, approach the person concerned and ask if you can help them.