Personally, I think it’s strange that I haven’t dreamt about Barry – until now. I thought that because he’s on my mind constantly, that he’d be in my dreams too, but that hasn’t been the case.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had nightmares during the past five weeks, but none of them have contained Barry’s image. All my nightmares are centred around Daniel. See The Consuming Fear for details.
However, the last two nights have found Barry wandering into my dreams. Although the dream I had last night is vague and, already, the details are fading…the first dream was strong and still vivid in my mind.
It was a recreation of the events of 18 May 2006, except for one major difference. He was found before it was too late. He was saved. Yet…although I found it easy to fix other things surrounding him — for example, his curtains that were falling away from the curtain rod, the fraying bedspread in his room, and clothes that needed mending (none of which needed doing in real life) — I couldn’t approach Barry. It tore at my heart, because now I knew there were issues that needed urgent attention, but I could do nothing about any of them. There was a barrier between us and he didn’t hear what I was saying.
In the dream I was confused and frustrated because I could not help my son see that life is worth living. I tried so hard to reach him, to protect him. I tried to shelter him from harm, but nothing worked. He was distanced from me. I also felt scared because I knew that he’d try to end his life again. I woke up at the moment that he did exactly that.
Previously, when dreaming, I’ve been aware that I was dreaming. But on this occasion it felt real. Imagine having to go through those emotions all over again. Imagine knowing the end result and not being able to change it. Did I have this dream for a reason? Is my subconscious trying to tell me that if Barry hadn’t done it then, it would have happened at another time anyway? I don’t know the answer to these questions. I do know that I still crave for the opportunity to make a difference and it didn’t happen, even in my dreams.