Finding a New Normality

I wrote this post for my writing blog, so that people would know that I have not fallen into a dark hole forever. I thought I’d put the post here as well, because it shows my grief well.

Writing is not a priority for me right now. Working is not a priority. In fact, nothing is a priority.

I returned to work for a total of one and a half days at the beginning of last week. During that time, I was annoyed every time I heard a co-worker laugh; I cried at just about every ballad played on the radio (especially “How Could This Happen to Me?”); and, I felt the most intense anger when a customer tried to tell me that his job was the most important thing in the world. All these things were no ones fault, not even mine. I’m emotional, and I have a good reason for that.

People keep telling me that I should move on with my life. That working will distract me. Getting back into the old routine will be good for me. What would they know? Have they lost a child to suicide? I know that working is not distracting, because I tried it. I know that the only place I feel safe and calm, is at home. I also know that the tidal wave inside me will take a long, long time to subside.

It’s only been three weeks…three weeks! How can anyone get over a loss like this in three weeks? I realise that those people who keep telling me to “move on” are just trying to be helpful, but the truth of the matter is this – I don’t want to move on. The world is moving forward and at the same time, the world is leaving my son behind. I’m a mother. I want to protect my baby, but that job has been ripped away from me. I’m not ready to move on yet. I don’t want to leave my son behind, even though I know he will be in my heart forever. My mind is screaming with rage, “What about Barry?”

In my rational moments, I know that I will eventually find a new normality. Parts of me, in those rational moments, want that to come soon because it will mean the pain will begin to ease. But, an instant later, I fret for the old normality. I want it back more than anything…I want Barry back more than anything else in the world.

It was Barry’s choice to leave, and it’s my choice to stay.

My confused and weary mind is shattered. My body is drained. Yet…through the haze I know I’ll find the light that will lead me to the beginning of my new life, and my new normality – eventually.


2 thoughts on “Finding a New Normality

  1. Mme,

    I might not be the best person to recomfort you, but I’ll talk about my experience. I passed through the idea of passing out (sorry if my english is not perfect… i’m from quebec). I was living with my girlfriend since 2 years, everything was going perfect until we started talking about her next job. She was going to finish college, and there were no job for her here (except for my doctorate research professor, but he couldn’t afford hiring her…). She had to move in another city, Montreal, where there are plenty of jobs. I was glad for her, but our couple was going to break down. By the same time, my “best friend” was giving less and less news (he’s living in Montreal at this time). He was expecting to have a roommate (my girlfriend) and… probably a girlfriend at the same time. I wanted to talk to someone, I had to. My mom doesn’t live around, she’s in Florida; my dad… well… I would prefer talking to a tree… As I told you, I’m doing research in an university and I was also doing courses at the same place. Alot of pressure, believe me. No one to talk to… After a “discussion” with my girlfriend (now ex-gf), I decided to make the move. I was getting sick of my life, which getting always darker. It was in march, the river was still having iceberg, and I thought about the best solution to put an end to this suffering. The time it takes for someone to stop feeling cold at 1degree in water is around 5 minutes, then goes the coma… and you know the end. I was dressing with my most beautiful fit, shining shoes. I decided to die in honor. One of my friend called during the time I was dressing up, I didn’t hang up, and she left a message on the answering machine, telling me that she was in town and would like to go for a coffee with me. I left and I went to the harbor, I aligned my car between to boats and I thought. I thought for hours and days (in my mind), I cried my eyes out. And I thought about my friend who had called sooner… I told myself I couldn’t do it. There was still someone on this planet (or hell!) who was thinking about me. She saved my life. I got back in my car and left to pick her up for a coffee. I explained everything to her, it was really hard. Admitting that kind of thought is very demanding.

    Today, my girlfriend left me. She joined my supposed best friend to live in Montreal. She didn’t give me any news since then. The first days were difficult, but now I passed through. I say to myself that she didn’t deserve taking my life, actually she deserves nothing at all, even less my respect, him neither! I enjoy life today, even though sometimes there are little downs.

    As I told at the beginning of my comment, it might not help you directly, but I think it is good to know what kind of motives people who make the move. It is not easy. I consider myself as being very very lucky. Everyday, I thank this person who called. She’s my little guardian angel. Thanks for your wordpress, I only hope it might stop some people doing the wrong thing. If you need any help, I will try all my heart to help you, even though I do not know you. But I kinda know what you’re passing through.

    Sincerely, Vincent

  2. Thank you for sharing something so personal, Vincent. I’m so very glad that you are finding life worth living again. There will always be “hard” times, but there are always other people to come into our lives and there are always other options.

    I admit that finding a reason for what happened to Barry is important to me. That might not always be the case, but it’s all too raw right now. Today, I’ve had two people share their story with me in an effort to help me understand what might have been going through my son’s mind at the time he made his choice. You are one of those people. Again, thank you.

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