I wrote this post for my writing blog, so that people would know that I have not fallen into a dark hole forever. I thought I’d put the post here as well, because it shows my grief well.
Writing is not a priority for me right now. Working is not a priority. In fact, nothing is a priority.
I returned to work for a total of one and a half days at the beginning of last week. During that time, I was annoyed every time I heard a co-worker laugh; I cried at just about every ballad played on the radio (especially “How Could This Happen to Me?”); and, I felt the most intense anger when a customer tried to tell me that his job was the most important thing in the world. All these things were no ones fault, not even mine. I’m emotional, and I have a good reason for that.
People keep telling me that I should move on with my life. That working will distract me. Getting back into the old routine will be good for me. What would they know? Have they lost a child to suicide? I know that working is not distracting, because I tried it. I know that the only place I feel safe and calm, is at home. I also know that the tidal wave inside me will take a long, long time to subside.
It’s only been three weeks…three weeks! How can anyone get over a loss like this in three weeks? I realise that those people who keep telling me to “move on” are just trying to be helpful, but the truth of the matter is this – I don’t want to move on. The world is moving forward and at the same time, the world is leaving my son behind. I’m a mother. I want to protect my baby, but that job has been ripped away from me. I’m not ready to move on yet. I don’t want to leave my son behind, even though I know he will be in my heart forever. My mind is screaming with rage, “What about Barry?”
In my rational moments, I know that I will eventually find a new normality. Parts of me, in those rational moments, want that to come soon because it will mean the pain will begin to ease. But, an instant later, I fret for the old normality. I want it back more than anything…I want Barry back more than anything else in the world.
It was Barry’s choice to leave, and it’s my choice to stay.
My confused and weary mind is shattered. My body is drained. Yet…through the haze I know I’ll find the light that will lead me to the beginning of my new life, and my new normality – eventually.