Too Much, Too Soon

Two weeks isn’t enough time to start healing. Everything is too fresh in my mind. I thought returning to work would be a good distraction, but in all honesty, nothing can distract me. My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Barry and what he did to himself. I constantly ask myself why has this happened. Everything, even unrelated things, becomes a reminder. And, worst of all, witnessing that life does go on, even when life couldn’t be worse, was enough to send me over the edge.

Actually, it was this very thing that pushed the anger up inside me. A client tried to tell me that there was nothing more important than his job. For him, that might be true. But, for me, that statement sounded shallow and selfish. I know that the man had no idea what I have experienced in these past few weeks. I know that life does go on for everyone else. But for me, that’s not the case.

Today, I felt anger like I’ve never felt it before. It was frightening. If the man had been standing in front of me, I believe I could have punched him in the face (luckily, he was on the phone). Being a quiet, gentle person, this abrupt aggressive anger scared me. It left me wondering if the anger was really directed at the man, or was it anger at what had happened?

I don’t know.

I’m not angry with Barry. He made a decision and carried it through. I’m confused as to why. I’m hurt because of the things we should have shared in the future but won’t. I’m also hurt at the fact that he felt that he couldn’t speak to me about his problems. But I’m not angry at him. I can’t be. Why waste the energy? Nothing will bring him back.

Anyway, I tried to return to work, but it was too soon. I think I need to work half days for a couple of weeks and then see how I feel.

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