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Mourning – The Expression of Grief

By: Sharon Young

According to Webster’s New World Dictionary grief is defined as “intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc.; acute sorrow; deep sadness.” Mourning is the expression of grief.

We usually think of grief as affecting our feelings and emotions, but it really affects every part of us. We may feel things such as shock, anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, depression, confusion, overwhelming emotional pain, feeling empty or lost… Physically we may experience numbness, shortness of breath, a heaviness or tightness in the chest, fatigue, headaches, muscle tension…

We may not be able to sleep or concentrate on anything. We may have no interest in what is going on around us or in things that previously were very important to us. We may over-react or be hypersensitive and feel out of control. We may cry and cry or feel nothing at all and show no emotion. We may want to be alone or feel afraid to be alone. We may feel like we need to run away from it all or even the need to attack someone or something.

One of our first responses to loss is to search for a cause or anything that might offer just a hint of explanation or justification or meaning that might help us in dealing with grief. This search sometimes causes us to question our faith in God and our religious beliefs, adding to the turmoil and grief that the loss already thrust upon us.

The death of loved ones is the most difficult loss to recover from. All our dreams and plans with or for them come to nothing, leaving us feeling empty and forlorn. We feel as if a big, clumsy, fiendish claw has thrust itself deep into our vital organs and callously ripped a chunk out of us, leaving a ragged hole that we can’t imagine will ever heal.

We all react to grief and loss differently and process it in our own way and time. However, there’s one key element that is required of all of us if we want to recover from our loss. The key element in working successfully through the grieving process is action. Simply sitting back and waiting for time to heal our deep sadness and intense emotional suffering brought about by loss or death is not enough.

Mourning is a process in which we take action to define and process the pain of our loss, seek effective ways to respond to it, adjust to our new reality, reconstruct our lives and eventually heal.

Mourning begins with the simple action of acknowledging and expressing our pain. Job provides an example of the mourning process. Just like all of us he was busy with the day to day routines of his life-business, family, friends, religious, and community duties and responsibilities. Sure, he was aware of the risks of living where he did. He knew there were violent gangs and rustlers who attacked and stole ranchers’ herds from time to time. He knew violent wind and lightning storms caused destruction and death sometimes. He may even have personally experienced loss from these things or from drought or floods or infestation of destructive insects at some point in his career. Illness, disease and death were regular occurrences in his life as in ours. He just didn’t expect them to happen to him and certainly not all at once!

And when it happened to him, Job reacted just like you and I do. He grieved.

“Why didn’t I die at birth?” Job groaned in his intense pain. “If I had I’d be at peace now. Why does God prolong my miserable life when I long for death? I have no peace or rest-only troubles and worries. It’s impossible to weigh my misery and grief! They outweigh the sand along the beach…” (Job 3; Job 6:2,3) “Why is life so hard? Why do we suffer?” (Job 7:1)

Job was bombarded with conflicting thoughts and feelings. Like his friends, Job had always believed that sinners suffered trouble and hardships, but those who loved and obeyed God were spared. Job was confident that he had no sin on his slate that remained unconfessed. He was careful to never do anything that would offend God, but knowing no one is perfect he regularly offered sin and guilt offerings to atone for each sin, both known and unknown. So what was going on? Was God unfair? Why was he being treated like a sinner when he knew he was blameless and in right standing with God? Was everything he believed to be true about God, not true after all? God was his friend. But why was God suddenly treating him like an enemy?

He began to question God, and demand an explanation. He felt very confident that God was wrong. He examined and honestly voiced his troubling questions and looked for answers.

“I am sick of life! And from deep despair, I complain to you, my God. Don’t just condemn me! Point out my sin. You have not explained all of your mysteries, but you catch and punish me each time I sin. Guilty or innocent, I am condemned and ashamed because of my troubles. Sometimes I try to be cheerful and to stop complaining, but my sufferings frighten me, because I know that God still considers me guilty. So what’s the use of trying to prove my innocence? God isn’t a mere human like me. I can’t put him on trial. Who could possibly judge between the two of us?” (Job 10:1,2; 10:13thru15; 9:27thru29, 32thru33)

“Leave me alone and let me die; my life has no meaning. Why am I your target and such a heavy burden? Why do you refuse to forgive?” Job 7:16, 20thru21

Then…

From out of a storm the Lord said to Job: “Why do you talk so much when you know so little? Now get ready to face me! Can you answer the questions I ask? How did I lay the foundation for the earth? Were you there? Did you ever tell the sun to rise? And did it obey? Can you arrange stars in groups such as Orion and the Pleiades? Do you control the stars or set in place the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper… I am the Lord All-Powerful, but you have argued that I am wrong. Now you must answer me. Are you trying to prove that you are innocent by accusing me of injustice?” (Job 38:1thru4, 12, 31thru32; 40:1,

Job said to the Lord: “Who am I to answer you? I did speak once or twice, but never again. No one can oppose you, because you have the power to do what you want. I have talked about things that are far beyond my understanding. You told me to listen and answer your questions. I heard about you from others; now I have seen you with my own eyes.” (Job 39:3thru5; 41:1thru6)

In his mourning process, Job defined and boldly expressed his feelings and thoughts. He looked to God as he sought answers and effective ways to respond to his grief and loss. Experiencing God for himself helped him begin to adjust to his new reality. With his new, enlightened view of God he could reconstruct his life and heal.

God is bigger than our pain, disappointment, doubt, fear – and everything else we can throw at Him. I encourage you, my friend, to include God as you take action to process and express your grief so you can reconstruct your life and heal.

About the Author:

Sharon Young is a dedicated mom and wife with a deep desire to discover who God is and how to navigate this life guided by His truth. Mourning Glory, A Devotional for Grieving is a book for struggling through a loss and looking for comfort.

Good Stages of Grief?

By: Ann Estlund

Most widows go through a crazy emotional rollercoaster as they move from one stage to another. One moment they are flying high and the next they are sinking morosely into a pit. They can be on level ground one minute, but the next may find them perching warily on a high wire or chugging up a hill and churning up a pot of steam, ready to blow at the first turn.

Looking back on my own years of grief, and writing articles, a book* and two websites** about it, I believe that each stage of grief has both plusses and minuses. It may take widows a long time to appreciate the plusses, but it could help us to know they are there. Just as it helped to know we were expected to go through stages in grief, it may help to see some of its long-range benefits.

Shock. Almost every widow goes through Shock or Numbness. I felt like I was inside a bubble, looking out at others who performed various tasks for me…phone calls, travel arrangements, meal planning, appointments, decision-making. Even inside that bubble I hurt so much that I couldn’t imagine I was being spared some of grief’s worst wounds. Later I understood.

Both immediate Shock and the die-hard stage of Denial cushion us from too much reality too fast. If these stages lasted too long, we would have major problems; but in smaller doses they provide brief emotional vacations when we really need them. The same is true of another stage I recognized several times in my own grief. I call it “Cockiness,” the pleasant feeling when we swell with pride at how well we are doing. We just know we have licked this thing called grief. “That wasn’t so bad,” we think, right before we fall off another cliff.

Grief is hard work, and it must be done, but brief respites from the dismal pain are therapeutic. I call them “practice sessions,” or “previews of better times ahead,” for when we are healed and walking among normal people. The downside of these “emotional vacations” is that they may be falsely interpreted by our friends and relatives. They may think we are healed and no longer need their tender loving care.

Depression can be the deepest stage of grief, dragging us down into a pit of self doubt and loss of spirit. Knowing it was an expected stage helped me to endure its downside more easily, but it didn’t make it fun. The upside of depression, which is really hard to appreciate until years later, is that this stage–more than any other–seems to provide the most opportunity for self examination and personal growth. It’s the caldron in which we learn that we are strong and we can survive.

Anxiety is a tough stage, and it can hang on interminably, especially for those on their own for the first time. It can build to a crescendo, a panic attack, such as one I had when I thought I was dying of the same thing my husband did. Most widows have one or several of these. I asked the doctor for a few anxiety pills to keep on hand for crises. Left unchecked, panic attacks can grow into agoraphobia…the fear of being outside or of leaving the house. We don’t want that to happen. Anxiety can also play havoc with our health, so, what is the upside of Anxiety? Well, not much…but to stretch it a bit, it does keep us alert so we know what’s going on…and it feels really good when it’s over.

I said a hundred times, “I could never get angry at Bruce for dying!” And then I did, with a vengeance! “How dare he leave me to do all this stuff!” We all go through Anger, and we can lose the support of friends and family if we aren’t careful. Can there be any benefits in it? Yes, it’s a sign we are facing reality head on, breaking through some of that Denial muck, and also we are clearing the air, getting rid of some old baggage around us.

With most Anger comes Guilt! Guilt for thinking of ourselves instead of our late mates. Some widows may have real reasons to feel guilty; most do not. Regardless, work on guilt, with a counselor or therapist if it is serious. So, how can it have an upside? Sometimes analyzing guilt feelings can help in understanding the differences we had with our husbands. I, for example, realized I felt guilty for often overlooking Bruce’s many good points and nagging him about things that simply did not matter.

Think of these grief benefits as the “little bits of sugar that help the medicine go down.”

About the Author:

Annie Estlund is the author of the handbook, For Widows Only. Visit her Web site to learn more about her support group for widows.

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The Passing of My Uncle

Today I found out that my uncle passed away from cancer on Sunday 2 December. It was a shock, even though the time frame given when diagnosed was unbelievably short. I think he was only diagnosed four or five months ago. I didn’t know him well, as they live 3,000 kilometres away from us, on the other side of the country. I did, however, have a high opinion of him and was saddened and quite upset to hear of his passing.

Once, before losing Barry, I would have said something stupid like “at least the pain is over”, but now I know these words do nothing to comfort those left behind. Why does anyone have to suffer? It really isn’t fair. Personally, I think life is cruel.

We all grieve in our own way, so I have no idea what my aunt is feeling right now. I can only imagine she is in shock and might be feeling numb. I know family are trying to help her and I pray that she gets through the coming weeks and is able to find peaceful moments in the turmoil. My heart goes out to her. I don’t know what else to say except this is a sad time.

Below is a photo taken in October 2002 – left to right: Graeme (my uncle), David (my brother), Karen (me) and Margaret (my aunt).

Preparing for Another Christmas

This will be our second Christmas without Barry. We survived last year, so there’s a good chance we’ll survive this one too. In fact, you would think our chances are much improved. Although I’ve heard differently.

Last year, I wrote several posts about how we were coping. Today, I went back and read them. Admittedly, my own words upset me, but they also gave me hope. We’ve come a long way in the last twelve months and I hope the journey proves positive for coping over the Christmas season.

Here is what I said last year:

Oh, Christmas Tree

Switched On

Grief and Hope at Christmas

Twinkling Star on Top of the Tree

Our Christmas Tree

Just for Today

Merry Christmas, Barry

Reflections

This year, I have put myself out on a limb and have invited both sides of the family to join us for Christmas. This is something I used to do a lot, but haven’t done for the best part of a decade. My brother and sister-in-law took over from me for several years and there were a few times we all booked a table at a restaurant.

However, this year I decided that my brother and sister-in-law shouldn’t shoulder this burden every year and it’s time for me to do my part. Besides, Gary’s children want to spend the day with him too and it makes sense for everyone to come together at our home. And…it means Daniel has people his own age around, which will make the day more tolerable for him too.

I’m not much of a hostess. I don’t particularly like cooking. Gary does most (all) of the cooking in our house. I get flustered easily and although I try hard not to worry about it, I do worry that my hostessing skills make for a lousy day. I realise that is my problem and I have to deal with it. I also realise that I’m probably the only person worrying and caring about it as well.

I want to do the right thing, but I want to be careful about how it affects my stress levels too.

Whilst the northern hemisphere think about cooked dinners and the possibility of a white Christmas because of the cold weather they experience. In Australia, December is the first month of summer and our Christmas day is usually hot and humid. The last thing most families want is to be cooking hot dinners. We are thinking about how to keep cool, and dreaming about spending the day dipping ourselves in a swimming pool (which my family can dream about until the cows come home, because we don’t have a pool).

With this in mind, Gary and I are going to go with the Aussie BBQ. We (or should I say our sons, hopefully) will cook the meat outdoors and this will be put with an assortment of salads for Christmas lunch. Everything used on the day will be disposable so that at the end of the day…the whole lot can be picked up and thrown away. This will mean no one is lumbered with the washing up.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Then, Now and the Immediate Future

The beginning of last week was…well, what can I say? The word “awful” just doesn’t seem to sum it up well enough. After everything that happened I did, however, give the mother of the girl the opportunity to voice her side of the situation and having done so I have decided that I wasn’t told anything I didn’t already know, I haven’t changed my mind about anything and I stick by my words here. After those events, I took matters into my own hands and have, in fact, wiped my hands of the whole miserable affair.

Since then…

Last week I couldn’t eat. I was hungry and my stomach growled angrily because it wanted food. However, every time I put food of any description in my mouth…I felt so sick. After only a few mouthfuls, I felt full and knew that if I continued to eat I’d be sick. Because I wasn’t able to eat much, I actually lost 4kg in two days.

Sleeping became just a word. Whilst other people slept soundly, I lay awake worrying and feeling angry. Being a person who needs eight hours or more sleep every night, this took its toll and I eventually had to take sleeping tablets. I only took them for a few nights, but it was better to do that and feel somewhat human during the day than not sleep at all and want to rip people’s heads off.

I felt a squeeze of pressure around my chest. Stress has a way of making itself known and the fact that I could not seem to take a deep breath because it felt like someone had a firm grip on my heart didn’t help. This is a warning that I will not ignore.

And then there were the other things, such as the headaches, the lack of motivation and the withdrawal. I’ve found that I don’t want to be around people…and their problems. I don’t want it and I can’t handle it. I’m going to work, but I’ve basically stopped doing everything else.

And now…

I’m eating a bit better…as long as the portions are small. At least I don’t feel sick when I put food in my mouth now, but I still can’t eat much.

I’m sleeping much better too. I’ve stopped taking tablets to help me sleep. I’ve never been much of a “pill popper”, especially when it can be avoided. I do admit that I’m sick and tired of the setbacks I keep experiencing with my sleeping patterns. I guess half a night’s sleep is better than nothing, but I’ll be glad when I can sleep soundly like I used to.

The pressure around my chest is unchanged. I’m acutely aware of this and will be making decisions based on what’s best for me from now on, not what is best for other people.

As for the “other things”, they are unchanged too. I’m looking for a peaceful place to settle in. No, I’m not going to move. I’m talking about mental peace. It seems that when I’m away from people, I’m closer to finding that peaceful place, so this is another area where I’m going to put me first.

The immediate future…

In three weeks it is Christmas. This year the family is coming to our place. That was my choice. I have been given the option to back out of this arrangement, but have decided that I will not do that. Last year, Christmas was a terrible time for our family. Barry was missed like you wouldn’t believe. Immediately after Christmas I became suicidal. This year, I plan on doing things different. Old traditions will be put aside and new traditions will be born. I believe it’s the only way forward for me and, besides, maybe keeping busy will help distract me too.

This doesn’t mean Barry will be forgotten. That will never happen. On Christmas Eve I will visit the cemetery and will “decorate” Barry’s niche. On Christmas day, a single candle will be lit in memory of the son I love and lost.

What are the Differences Between Anxiety and Depression?

By James Lowrance

Anxiety and depression have a lot of similarities and some are even of the opinion that these are the same type fear-emotions, that simply manifest differently in different people.

When you look at a list of symptoms for each, there are indeed a great deal of similarities. Both can manifest with feelings of hopelessness, agitation, feeling withdrawn, fatigue, lack of ambition, inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure, fear of the future, inability to cope with stressful situations, etc…

It is also true that anxiety and depression often co-exist, in fact persons with actual anxiety disorders almost always have a degree of depression, along with it and persons with clinical depression also commonly have co-existing anxiety.

So what would be considered some major distinguishing features of each? The fact is, many times they are not easily distinguishable, in fact many Doctors, such as MDs, that are not also psychiatrists or psychologists, many times find it difficult to distinguish them, so many times will diagnose a patient with common emotional manifestations, as described above, as a combination of both anxiety and depression.

One Anxiety Disorder that is more so a mix of both anxiety and depression, than the other Anxiety Disorders, is “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”. With this type anxiety, patients commonly experience a mix of both anxiety and depression. They may at times have stronger manifestations of depression and at other times, stronger manifestations of anxiety, while at other times, they are both about even in manifestation.

So what would be a major distinguishing feature of each, that helps us to recognize the difference between the two? A major distinguishing feature of depression, that is often listed as one of it’s major symptoms, is “profound sadness”. Anxiety sufferers, sometimes have spells of emotion, that causes them to have crying spells etc.., but it is not the same profound sadness that is more chronically severe with depression. Anxiety sufferers on the other hand, have as a major feature of it, the “fear emotion”, which can be the bewildering type, such as severe anxiety attacks or panic attacks or can be the chronic lingering type, that manifests as severe worry and apprehension.

The chronic worry aspect of anxiety, is what is most often mistakenly referred to as depression, when it is actually a fear emotion; fear of the future, fear about health, finances etc…, and though it is not in the depression category, can result in depression, due to the prolonged periods of stress it causes.

To better illustrate this, let’s look at a couple of example scenarios. In the first one, we have a man, with a very important business meeting coming up. In this meeting, he will be required to convince the heads of his company, that his past accomplishments, merit him a promotion to a more important, advanced position with the firm. The meeting is two weeks away and yet the man has such hopes in doing well at the meeting, that he worries himself sick, during the entire two weeks leading up to the meeting. Family or friends observing his period of chronic worry, might make the remark; “He sure has been depressed these past two weeks.” The fact is, the man was experiencing a manifestation of anxiety, called chronic worry, being triggered by a fear of failure.

In a second example scenario, we have a woman who does lose a long held position she had with a prestigious firm. This causes her to sink into a deep feeling of profound loss, that she feels she cannot recoup from. She has continual feelings of sadness and has constant crying spells. An observer remarks; “She has just been a bundle of nerves since losing her job and she’s really going through an anxious time right now.” In reality, the woman’s experience is more so in the depression category because she is experiencing profound sadness over losing her long held position.

While we may be able to better place these examples of emotional scenarios into either the anxiety or depression categories, we also realize that both of these people very likely also experienced aspects of the other emotion as well. Again, this demonstrates how closely related these emotions are and how they often co-exist and can also fuel each other, causing worsening symptoms of each.

Thankfully, there are treatments, that help both emotional disorders simultaneously, such as SSRI Antidepressants, that are designed to help patients with both anxiety and depression, or either of them. There are also treatments, such as “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”, that offers coping and overcoming skills, for both anxiety and depression.

People experiencing these common emotional disorders and the family, friends and associates of these patients, should be aware of how commonly these disorders co-exist but should also learn about the major features, that help distinguish them.

Author’s Bio:

Age: 44
Diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, with co-ocurring anxiety symptoms,in 2003. I created the “JimLow’s Audios” website in early 2006, to help inform other patients about these and other disorders.

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Sending Presents To Heaven

By Donna Webster

It had been six months ago today that ten-year-old Emily’s mom had made her way to Heaven. Emily missed her mom each and every day, but what she was most worried about today is how she can find a way to send her birthday gift to her mom in Heaven. She had two weeks to find the perfect gift and she set out on a journey asking everyone she knew if they could help her figure out a way to send her gift up to Heaven.

The first person she asked was her dad. Still grief stricken himself over his wife’s sudden death, he was not prepared for what Emily was about to ask him. “Daddy I have an important question for you.” “What is it pumpkin?” “Mom’s birthday is almost here and I need to know how I can send her gift up to Heaven?”

He couldn’t think of an answer to give his precious daughter and with tears in his eyes he told her he needed a little time to think about it. “Okay dad, but don’t wait to long I only have two weeks to get my gift ready and I don’t want mom to think that I forgot her birthday.” Although she loved her dad and knew he would try as hard as he could to help her, Emily decided to go ahead and ask a few other people if they could help her send her gift to Heaven.

The next person she decided to ask was her teacher at school. Surely her teacher would know how to help her. Teachers know everything that’s why they’re teachers. As soon as school was over the next day she stayed after and told her teacher that she needed to ask her a question. “Miss Johnson, I have a question for you.” “What is it Emily?” “My mom’s birthday is in two weeks and I need to find a way to send my birthday gift to her up in Heaven.” “Can you help me?” Miss Johnson prided herself on always being able to help the children and answer all of their questions, but she had never been asked a question like this.

She didn’t want to disappoint little Emily, but how could she answer a question like this? “Did you ask your dad about this Emily?” “Yes, and he said that he needed a little time to think about it.” “I’m sure he will be able to help you Emily and I am honored that you asked me, but I think that it would be better if someone in your family helped you figure this out.”

Seeing the disappointment in Emily’s eyes as she walked away tugged at her heart, so she decided to call her back. “Emily, I just thought of something.” “What is it Miss Johnson?” “Is there anyone else who was close to your mom that might be able to help you?” Emily thought about it for a moment and said, “I have my Aunt Tracy.”

“My mom, Aunt Tracy and I used to have a girl’s day out every Saturday” “Is she your mom’s sister Emily?” “Yes,why do you ask?” “I think that she would be the perfect person to help you out.” “She grew up with your mom and I’m sure they were very close to one another.” “You’re right Miss Johnson, Aunt Tracy would be able to help,I know she will.” Emily was so excited she gave Miss Johnson a hug and ran out the door as fast as her little feet would take her.

As soon as her dad picked her up from school Emily asked her dad to take her to her Aunt Tracy’s house so she could ask her to help her send her gift to her mom. Her dad still didn’t have an answer for Emily, so he dropped her off and told her he would be back to pick her up in an hour. “Thanks Dad, I know you wanted to help me, but I hope it’s okay with you that I ask Aunt Tracy.” “It’s fine pumpkin,I know your Aunt Tracy was very close with your mom, I’m sure she will know exactly how to reach your mom.”

“Aunt Tracy, Aunt Tracy, I need your help.” “What is it Emily, what’s wrong.” “Well,you know mom’s birthday is in two weeks and I need to find a way to send my present to her in Heaven.” “Can you help me?” “Please Aunt Tracy, you’re my last hope.” “Do you have your present with you Emily?” “No, I haven’t decided what to get mom yet, but I knew you would be able to help me pick out the perfect gift for mom.” “Come sit down Emily and we will figure this out together.”

After what seemed like an eternity, Aunt Tracy finally had an answer for her beautiful little niece. “Emily, you know your mom loved you more then anything right?” “Yes Aunt Tracy, she told me everyday how much she loved me.” “Well, I think that the best gift you can give her is not a gift that you need to go out and buy.” “I think that the best present that you could give your mom is a little piece of you.” “How can I do that Aunt Tracy?”

“Well every night before you go to bed try to remember something really special that you and your mom did together.” “That’s easy Aunt Tracy I have millions and trillions of special things that mom and I did together.” “But how can that be a present for mom, and how can I send it up to her in Heaven?” “It’s easy Emily, when you say your prayers each night concentrate really hard on a happy thought of you and your mom, and ask God to take that happy thought up to Heaven for you.”

“Will he really do that Aunt Tracy?” “Of course Emily.” “God hears all your prayers and nothing would make him happier then to be able to take those special thoughts and deliver them in person to your mom.” “So my mom will really get my happy thoughts?” “Yes Emily and your mom will be watching over you every day, and the best present you could ever give her is to remember all the special times you had together, and the love you shared will fly up to her each night on an angels wings.”

“The best part is it doesn’t even have to be her birthday, you can do this every night.” “Thanks Aunt Tracy, this means my mom will have presents every day.” “I’m going to go home tonight and start sending my presents to her.”

As a tear rolled down Aunt Tracy’s eye, she told Emily that her mom would be the happiest mom up in Heaven. As Emily wrapped her arms around her aunt to say thank you, she whispered in her ear. “Mom will also be the happiest sister in Heaven,” and she told Aunt Tracy not to forget to send her happy thoughts up to Heaven to.

Author’s Bio:

I’m an inspirational writer who has overcome adversity with chronic illness and found the gift of writing because of what I have faced. I’ve learned many lessons along the way and my goal is to empower and inspire women and chidren all over the world. I run an online bath and body shop www.divinedivadelights.com where I honor the Divine Diva in every woman. My products feature inspirational names and positive messages that I hope will inspire, empower, and help build self esteem in women and young girls. My goal with everthing I do is to touch as many lives as I can and I hope I have done that for you with this story.